The premise of this little piece is that the author's father...

DAD: I just want to say, first off, that you all suck so bad.

ANDY PETTITTE: I never wanted to be on this team in the first place.

DAD: Well, I didn't want you on my team, either, asshole. But I was drunk at the draft, and I thought you were that other tall, brown-haired Yankee pitcher, the one who does crosswords. That's who I wanted, you Yankee shit.

cont...