Trade Everyone! - Wait. What?

JOHN ADAMS
Presumably controlled, like all Cleveland fans, until his death.

• PRO - Other teams are salivating for a guy like Adams-shows up at the ballpark day after day and does his job; Steve Phillips has compared Adams favorably to Darren Daulton.  
  
• PRO - Adams is somewhere between 55 and 58 years old and at some point there's got to be a downturn in his performance.  Do the Indians want to be left holding the bag on Adams the day he starts hitting the drum like Trot Nixon hits baseballs?



• CON - Depth is not a strength at the "Mustachioed Man Who Hits Drum In Bleachers" position. The only other person associated with the organization that could conceivably step up and replace Adams is Chuck and Chuck has little rhythm and too much attitude, at least according to Tony Lastoria. 
• CON - Wouldn't clear significant payroll space as he's paid by a company that's not the Cleveland Indians.
• CON - Who else on this roster has the guts to oppose the Stamp Act of 1765? Maybe Dellucci. Maybe.

JOEL SKINNER
Salary: Hopefully Minimal.

• PRO - If you could somehow send GMs a photo of Joel Skinner standing next to Casey Blake at third, and then convince the GMs that it was some sort of puzzle where one of the two men in the picture was a valuable commodity, I think most GMs would assume the answer had to be Skinner.
• CON - Does everybody realize that Skinner went 448-333 in the minors as a manager, Including 86-59 one year in Buffalo? Grain of salt and all that but, sheesh. Maybe he has the wrong job.

GHOST OF LOUIS SOCKALEXIS
Salary: Paid in misery and horror.

• PRO - Finally unburdened from the legacy of a man who once self-defenestrated from the second story window of a brothel, suffered from alcoholism, tuberculosis and bad fielding, and just generally looked sad, the Indians would almost surely begin to win world championships. Even though his death doesn't correspond with a date post the last Cleveland championship.
  
• CON - The market for ghosts has really cooled since the Yankees albatross signing of the specter of William Howard Taft.

SLIDER
Controlled through never. Literally uncontrollable.

• PRO - Slider is an HBP machine a lot of teams could use; no matter where he stands in the batter's box, his waist reaches across home plate.
  
• PRO - Slider's waist is disgusting and getting it out of town has no downside. What is in there? Why does it have yellow spots all over it?
• CON - Slider is key to Josh Barfield's success; the purple one willingly takes the brunt of the "Man, those eyebrows are ridiculous! Are those even real eyebrows? Is there a walrus birthing from your head a la Zeus and Athena?" comments in both the media and the clubhouse, allowing Barfield to concentrate on striking out three times a game in AAA.
• CON - No matter what you think of Slider, he produces some great moments. There was the time he repelled into the stadium, there was the time he got beat up by two other mascots leading to an all time great youtube clip description: "Slider of the Indians, fighting with two other things."  And there was this:
  
  The best part of this, by far:  "... Mustard, simply the All-American boy, and Onion, she's the diva of the group, always looking good."
• CON - Clutch, generally has been immune from team-wide slumps or postseason pressure.

VICTOR'S POWER

• Check. The return of one run at glory doesn't appear to have been worth the price.
  

FRANK G. JACKSON
$119, 712.36 salary, signed through 2010

• PRO - He's an advocate for regionalism. Do you want to cheer for the Cleveland-Cuyahoga Indians? That day's coming in Jackson's world.
• Is Cleveland's first African-American Italian-American mayor. This isn't a pro or a con. It's a fun fact.
• PRO - Some injury history, and despite outstanding track record as a young minor leaguer, has never looked "above" Triple-A pitching, not clear he can govern above replacement level in the majors.
• CON - He brought back the mounted police unit in Cleveland. That seems like fun.
• CON - Has the kind of beard you want on the field whenever possible, even if there's a younger, more talented, less bearded mayor behind him ARG ARG MY EYES BLEED THE TEARS OF KNOWING ARG
• CON - Photo analysis reveals that he could probably beat up Michael Bloomberg and Thomas Menino, possibly at once. This matters.
• CON - The majors are littered with mayors that the Indians have quit on too early because of "personality conflicts." Brandon Phillips: mayor of Cincinnati; Sean Casey: mayor of fat empty average city, population: fat men; and Milton Bradley: mayor of Wrong Kong Ballbag Village, the made up city in Milton Bradley's head. If I can dig up the minutes of a town hall meeting from Wrong Kong Ballbag Village, I'll post them.

CASEY BLAKE'S BEARD
$6.1 Million; formerly split salary with rest of Casey Blake, now is only part of Casey Blake worth paying.

• PRO - If traded, Casey Blake must go with, assuming the beard enforces its "No Shave Clause." Which, coincidentally, is the same clause my father would invoke on family vacations, upsetting my mother and looking like a vagrant for a week.
• CON - Casey Blake's not any worse than the rest of them, people. Get over it.
• CON - Have you seen that beard? Give me my medicine and put me to bed, doctor. My heart can't take anymore.

MATT UNDERPANTS
Salary: More than the gross municipal product of SOUVENIR CITY!

• PRO - Matt Underpants would be gone.
• CON - Nobody else wants Matt Underpants.

LAKE ERIE
No Salary, Controlled Indefinitely

• PRO - Useful player, high-quality defender who could be attractive to a "fat" contender looking to shore up weak depth.
• PRO - It's Great!
• PRO - Is the southernmost, shallowest, and smallest by volume of all the Great Lakes. Erie is simply not the player analysts often make it out to be.
• PRO - Might actually be able to play baseball in April if Erie is traded.
• CON - GLBC might go with it. Not good.
• CON - It's harder than it looks to find a quality lake on the open market.

AMY HAFNER
Assuming no prenup, salary is 57 Million over the rest of this and next 3 seasons. Not under team control. Clearly.

• PRO - Either Proon goes with her or Pronk stays behind. 
• CON - Isn't this all Ron Mahay's fault or something?

ERIC WEDGE
Salary: Paid exclusively in buckets of grit scraped off of Casey Blake and Trot Nixon, which he then converts to dollars at a currency exchange run by Craig  Biggio dressed in an original Ty Cobb uniform.

• PRO - What can it possibly hurt?
• PRO - As in professional. As in hitters. As in we don't have any and I want to blame somebody so it might as well be Eric.
• PRO - Eric and Casey could probably be traded together, making everyone happy.
• CON - He's going to do an excellent job somewhere next year. What we should really be doing is let Wedge manage in odd-numbered years and letting Andy Marte manage in even numbered years. I mean, he's on the bench anyway! (I realize he's actually playing some now. But with material like this, how can I let facts get in the way!)

NATE PANTHER
Salary: RAWR.

• PRO - RAWR.
• CON - RAWR.

IN GENERAL: 60 YEARS OF VARIOUS FORMS OF FAILURE
No Salary, Controlled Indefinitely

• PRO - Obvious.
• CON - None.