Baseball, on its last legs as an Olympic sport, is trying to make up for its apparent inability to generate international interest with a little veteran guile: Changing the rules, a practice often though somewhat awkwardly referred to within the international athletic community as “the Olympic Committee equivalent of the gunkball.” American pitcher Jeff Stevens, expected to serve as his country’s closer, spoke recently about one such rule change—namely, that in the event of a tie game in the 11th inning, the pitcher will be forced to change into cat food-marinated trousers; meanwhile, a cage just behind the pitcher’s mound will be opened, releasing as many as two dozen half-starved ferrets onto the playing surface.

“Well, you know, baseball’s baseball,” said Stevens. “The last three outs are the hardest to get, whether you’re in Ohio or in China. Really, I think defending myself from small, carnivorous mammals is going to be just one more element of that. Ultimately, I’ve still got to just put it all out of my mind and play catch with my backstop. That’s the bottom line.” Stevens then resuming reinforcing his athletic supporter cup with quick-drying cement.

Team USA coach Davey Johnson was similarly non-chalant. “Jeff’s a professional,” said Johnson. “What’s more, he knows how important it is to the sport to have it played on a world stage like the Olympics, and I think he understands that the best thing he can do for the sport is just forget about the ferrets swarming his lower body and do his job.” Johnson also expressed hope that the 11th-inning provision would reinvigorate international baseball more than did 1936’s addition of the combustible ball to polo.