In which all-everything mogul Jay-Z answers questions from Paul Hoynes' mailbag over the past several weeks.
Yo, Evan: You know who would win the hip-hop good guy award? Some chump that I accidentally ate for breakfast in 1998 because I thought he was a blueberry muffin. You want a blueberry muffin as a bullpen coach? No, you want that ish for breakfast and then you want to [redacted]ing forget about it.
Hey, Jay-Z: Are baseball teams allowed to workout players in the off-season? Seems to me practicing might improve their game more than playing meaningless winter ball games. -- Dan Zemlica, Lakewood
Yo, Zemlica: What the [redacted] are they gonna do at practice? Maybe like run around and hit the ball and catch it and ish? What the [redacted] do you think they do in winter ball? Play [redacted]ing baseketball? Who the [redacted] ever been to a baseball practice? [Redacted]ing Tom Emanski and Fred McGriff, that's the whole mother[redacted]ing list. Well, I once saw McGriff pass out at the Gold Club while Patrick Ewing laughed and who the [redacted] is Tom Emanski?
You want to watch Shin Soo-Choo throw baseballs into a garbage can, call the mother[redacted] up. Don't bother me about it.
Hey, Jay-Z: Without Travis Hafner in the lineup, the Tribe doesn't have a real power bat. Does Adam Dunn make as much sense to you as it does to me? -- Chris Bien, North Kingsville
Yo, Chris: You ever talked to Adam Dunn? Mother[redacted] doesn't make any [redacted]ing sense, ever. Kept asking me if I wanted to play touch football and made me listen to a rap he wrote called "Adam Funn." [Redacted] that waste of [redacteding time. Mother[redacted] is gigantic, though.
Hey, Jay-Z: What is your take on the signing of Kerry Wood? I thought Jensen Lewis showed he could pitch well as a closer. Given the differences between the NL and AL, I don't think the ERA differences between the two is significant. Is this another case of the Indians getting a player cheaper because of a history of injuries? -- Jim Halas, South Euclid
Yo, Jim:I don't know who the [redacted] Jensen Lewis is but his name sounds like one of the [redacted]ing dorks from a Molly Ringwald movie. Kerry Wood's name sounds like a hard-[redacted] [redacted]. Who the [redacted] do you want standing on the mound? I'll take the [redacted], even if that ish doesn't have arms. It'll do the job better than Anthony [redacted] Hall before he started mainlining Winstrol.
Hey, Jay-Z: When Paul Dolan said that he would add to the team, did he mean Thanksgiving turkeys like Andy Marte, David Dellucci, Jason Johnson, Aaron Boone and Roberto Hernandez? -- Edna Williams, Cleveland
Yo, Edna: I don't even know who any of those [redacted]ing players are and I still know enough to say: [Redacted] this question.
Hi, Sean: If the Indians can't afford to improve their pitching staff, do you think they could petition Congress for a $700 billion bailout? Or wouldn't that be enough to sign a top-flight reliever? -- Michael Kolodziej, Walton Hills
Yo, Michael: This is supposed to be funny? You think my 401K losing $180 million dollars in the last quarter is funny?
Hola Hovito: When I listen to the Indians on the radio and things aren't going well, sometimes I turn off the game. That never happened in the 1960s, 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s. Was it Herb Score that kept me tuned in? -- Ben Beilstein, McKinney, Texas
Yo, Ben: Probably the reason you turn the game off is because you realize you're listening to the game on the [redacted]ing radio when TVs were invented even before Hoynse was born and there's some ish on you can watch, like a video for Big Pimpin' or a cable provider commercial involving my wife. Why are you asking me anyway? You think I know why you turn off the radio when you don't?
Hey, Jay-Z: Why hasn't Mark Shapiro been "relentless" in the past to improve the Tribe? Is his job finally on the line? -- Mary Thomas, Willoughby
Yo, Mary: Why the [redacted] is relentless in quotation marks?
Hey, Jay-Z: Wouldn't the Indians be wise to sign Cliff Lee now or trade him for quality big-league players while his value is high? -- Bob Henning, Cleveland
Yo, Bob: I got Cash-Money in my earpiece and he's telling me Cliff Lee just signed a contract to pitch for the Yankees in 2010 for $65 Million. Next question.
Hello, Jigga: Do you think the trade for Cliff Lee, Grady Sizemore and Brandon Phillips was beginner's luck for GM Mark Shapiro? It's six years later and fans could ask the Tribe, "what you done for us lately?" -- Lyle Wilson, Cleveland
Yo, Lyle: You know what else fans could ask? They could ask where the [redacted] does Lyle live because I am going to go over there and beat the ish out of him at Boggle to the tune of 96-67 and then look at him and say "Beginner's luck." Then I am going to take Lyle's car, which he contractually has to give up in a year anyway, and I am going to trade that ish for two more cars, a real fast one and one that's really powerful, and I am going to tell him he can keep both those cars for the next 7 years. Then I am going to take Lyle's best friend, that dude with the beard who can't move left or right with any alacrity, and I am going put him on my private jet to California and when my jet comes back, mother[redacted]ing Santana is going to walk off that ish just rocking on his electric, playing a mash up of Oye Como Va and H to the Izzo. Then I would say "Who do you want to be friends with Lyle? That dude with the beard or Carlos [redacted]ing Santana?"
Mr. Carter: There is so much talk about finding a second baseman so Jhonny Peralta can go to third and Asdrubal Cabrera to short. Why not give Jamey Carroll a shot at second? -- Austin Zrenner, Olmsted Falls
Yo, Austin: Because Jamey Carroll is a corny-[redacted] utility player.
Hello, '03 Clyde: Do you feel that a big part of the Tribe's lack of success is the fact that owners Larry and Paul Dolan aren't involved enough in the decision making? -- Larry Fine, Cleveland
Yo, Larry: You know what franchise is run by a hands-on Dolan? The Knicks. The Knicks are so bad that I'm moving the Nets to Brooklyn or, failing that, telling LBJ to resign with the Cavs and then buying them and moving them to Brooklyn.
Hey, Jay-Z: You reported that Kerry Wood's physical lasted about eight hours before the Indians approved his $20.5 million contract. How extensively did the doctors check out Travis Hafner before offering a contract extension several times higher than the Wood contract? -- Bob Kessell, Akron.
Yo, Bob: They didn't even make Hafner take a physical. He had to [redacted]ing name 5 members of the Wu-Tang Clan and then he was cool to sign.
What the [redacted] people?
Hey, Jay-Z: I noticed that David Eckstein is still looking for a home. He would seem to fit the Tribe's philosophy, no? -- Joe Cepec, Columbus.
Yo, Joe: The [redacted] is the Cleveland Philosophy? Ish is about to go the way of the Aquatic Ape Theory if it involves signing a bunch of David Ecksteins. Players don't need to fit a team's philosophy, they need to fit into the [redacted]ing lineup. Shapiro's got [redacted] infielders like I got problems-99 of 'em but Eckstein ain't one.
Hey, Jay-Z: Any chance the Tribe will add a player through free agency or trade that could add an element of fun to this team and perhaps snap them out of the robotic, businesslike demeanor they have developed since the first pitch of 2003? -- Joe Cepec, Columbus.
Yo, Joe: What the [redacted] kind of question is this? Which baseball player do you think is fun? You're probably going to say some ish like Trot Nixon because he likes pie or some ish.
Yeah, they're thinking about signing [redacted]ing Darryl Strawberry and seeing if Tim Raines will come out of retirement. Nobody in [redacted]ing Cleveland has ever had any fun in their whole [redacted]ing lives unless you're idea of fun is acting like Kevin Bacon in "She's Having A Baby."
Hi, President of Def Jam: Why [couldn't] the Indians sign both Kerry Wood and Randy Johnson to two-year contracts and let Wood pitch the eighth inning and Johnson be the closer? -- Andrew Boggess, Corpus Christi, Texas
Yo, Andrew: Man, I'm a professional hip-hop mogul who likes basketball, not baseball, and I know this is a dumb mother[redacted]ing question. Why don't the Indians just sign LeBron James to play CF? Because the Yankees are already doing that, dumb[redacted].
Hey, Jay-Z: Free-agent shortstop Rafael Furcal solves so many of the Indians' needs in one signing -- leadoff guy, good defender, speed. What about offering him a four-year $52 million deal? -- Dan Osicki, Cleveland.
Yo, Dan: WHAT THE [REDACTED]?
Salutations, S-Dot: Why did manager Eric Wedge and the media come down on Ryan Garko? -- Rick Jones, Brookpark.
Yo, Rick: For the same reason nobody will buy all these [redacted]ing Memphis Bleek records I keep [redacted]ing pushing. They're [redacted].
Hey, Jay-Z: It seems as if CC Sabathia never considered re-signing with the Indians. Did he have issues with manager Eric Wedge or pitching coach Carl Willis? Who will we get to replace him? -- Nancy Scott, Cleveland.
Yo Nancy: Yeah he had issues with the fact that they didn't [redacted] diamonds and piss caviar. Welcome to New York, [redacted].
Hey, Jay-Z: I'm sure you would agree that pitching, defense and speed win championships. Given the Indians' lack of pitching and team speed, why should Indians fans even bother showing up to games this season knowing that we can't compete with the likes of Boston, New York, [the Angels], Detroit and Minnesota? - Don Manning, Bay Village
Yo, Don: Why the [redacted] would I agree to that specious premise? You know who doesn't win championships? That dude who walks around Bay Village reminiscing about Alex Cole and complaining.