Manny Acta and the Cleveland Indians have announced a press conference for tomorrow morning where they will announce that Alvaro Espinoza has been hired to a newly minted position: On/Off-Field Coordinator With Regards To Preparing For A Mid-1990s Style Run Of Success. Acta was enthusiastic about the hire in a chat with the media on Thursday. "When we decided to create this position, there were a lot of big names that people threw out. Roberto Alomar's name came up. So did Albert Belle's. Manny Ramirez called and expressed his interest in being interviewed. But, when we really thought about it, we wanted to find a guy who knew what it was like to prepare for that run-a guy who did the yeoman's work, who helped turn a hapless franchise into a perennial contender without a bat or a glove."
Mark Shapiro echoed Acta's sentiments in an exclusive interview with Paul Hoynes, saying "You know, we were looking for a guy who was a catalyst for the magic of the 1990s, even if it was in a way that made no sense. We ran a lot of metrics and the two things that we were able to correlate most strongly to the Indians change in fortunes from 1993 to 1995 were the House of Representatives passing the 'Contract with America' and Espinoza." Shapiro added with a laugh, "I don't have much political pull but I sure as heck can go find and hire Alvaro Espinoza!"
Espinoza, who had been serving as an infield coach for the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Yankees, seemed excited if a bit confused. "I am very excited to get to Cleveland and start working with the players," Espinoza said before he quickly added, "I've been told specifically that I am not supposed to do any coaching, so I will not do that. I am supposed to be around and just sort of be there and also plan events that remind me of things that I did in the early to mid-1990s."
When pressed for more details, Espinoza gave a wry smile and revealed some of the events he was already planning. "Well, we will definitely all be learning and doing the 'Macarena.' I remember doing that and when I spoke with Jhonny Peralta he said he already knew it. Grady has agreed to wear a multi-colored blowy shirt and a bowl cut, which I think will be huge for the team. We're also arranging a laser tag event."
Espinoza hesitated when asked if he thought he could help spur this squad to a 90s style run. "I mean, Shapiro and Antonetti have been wearing fanny packs for years," he said with a shrug.