Who Killed the Cleveland Indians? - part 1: John Adams

by APV on May 20, 2009 9:14 AM EDT

Rumor on the street has it there's been a death. Witnesses report hearing two shots and sounds of a severe beating last night, and now the Cleveland Indians season has gone missing. While it can't be confirmed, the possibility of a homicide necessitates further investigation. Have no fear, loyal fans, I am on the case. In what will no doubt be a long and grueling investigation (or at least till October), I'll explore if the Indians season is dead and if so, who is to blame.

First suspect: John Adams (see above)

Suspicious traits: Mustache, perpetual optimism, unoriginal name

Weapon of choice: Never-ending drum beats

Potential alibi: Those drum mallets look soft-coated...

Motive: If it was Adams, it was probably voluntary manslaughter. He seems to mean well with his faithful and unending drum beats. And from seats behind home plate the echo of his drums are great. But then again...the portion of the Indians team in closest proximity to Adams is the bullpen, Grady Sizemore, and our LFers. Needless to say this is not the highest performing group. Perhaps Adams drumbeat, like the unceasing beat of Poe's Tell-tale heart, has produced a kind of sonic fatigue damage in the ears, the center of balance, of this critical portion of the team.

Likelihood: Slim, but suspicious....

Up Next: Slider (hmmm....Raffy Perez seems to be missing his slider....)

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Comments

Too soon.

-Erik

by drerikbrady on May 20, 2009 9:23 AM EDT reply actions

or not soon enough?

by APV on May 20, 2009 9:24 AM EDT up reply actions

My prime suspect is Luis Issac and his voodoo magic.

by FallsTribeFan on May 20, 2009 9:31 AM EDT reply actions

on the list

by APV on May 20, 2009 10:20 AM EDT up reply actions

this is how you lament, folks.

by Brick. on May 20, 2009 10:04 AM EDT reply actions

Yes, very well-played

I'm *always* in the driver's seat, cugino -- Chuck

by Turkmenbashi on May 20, 2009 10:21 AM EDT up reply actions

My suspect is the new field sponsor…Progressive. Their stock is down 11% since buying naming rights. Analysts believe we should see a recovery in the second quarter of next year.

by ShawnK on May 20, 2009 10:16 AM EDT reply actions

added to the list

by APV on May 20, 2009 10:20 AM EDT up reply actions

Being down 11% in this market is tantamount to being up a quarter.

by jhon on May 20, 2009 2:33 PM EDT up reply actions

Is grit on the list?

-Erik

by drerikbrady on May 20, 2009 10:22 AM EDT reply actions

now it is

by APV on May 20, 2009 10:24 AM EDT up reply actions

What about moxie?

by FallsTribeFan on May 20, 2009 12:10 PM EDT up reply actions

Does Pie=Grit?

"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge..." C. Darwin

by Spidey on May 20, 2009 2:26 PM EDT up reply actions

what’s our record since LGT started showing up on Yahoo?

by Brick. on May 20, 2009 10:28 AM EDT reply actions 1 recs

Yeah. Totally add this.

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Force quit and move to trash.

by vbc3 on May 20, 2009 10:33 AM EDT up reply actions 1 recs

yeah we sucked in ST too.

FE WEE

by westbrook on May 20, 2009 12:17 PM EDT up reply actions

Our record ever since those Pure Michigan™ ads showed up on the radio last year is highly suspicious.

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Force quit and move to trash.

by vbc3 on May 20, 2009 10:37 AM EDT reply actions

Don’t forget Hola Hola Hola Fruta…

Professional Lurker. Non-Baseball Posting Specialist.

by fingolfin on May 20, 2009 10:47 AM EDT up reply actions

those mighta been around in 07. 07!!!

FE WEE

by westbrook on May 20, 2009 12:18 PM EDT up reply actions

Didn’t remember hearing it before last year.

Professional Lurker. Non-Baseball Posting Specialist.

by fingolfin on May 20, 2009 4:31 PM EDT up reply actions

When did they start the whole Panini Cam nonsense?

Juan Salas: Smartest man in baseball?

by emd2k3 on May 20, 2009 11:00 AM EDT reply actions

Perhaps picking up two Cubs in the off-season cursed us?

-Erik

by drerikbrady on May 20, 2009 11:01 AM EDT reply actions

Perhaps, but last year stunk too.

by ShawnK on May 20, 2009 11:05 AM EDT up reply actions

I’m just saying, the suck has expanded to ridiculous proportions. We weren’t playing anywhere near this bad at the end of last season.

-Erik

by drerikbrady on May 20, 2009 11:09 AM EDT up reply actions

Very true. Perhaps Kerry Wood’s goatee is made up of billy goat hair.

by ShawnK on May 20, 2009 11:17 AM EDT up reply actions

Goatee was shaved…Tribe won.

by ShawnK on May 21, 2009 11:59 AM EDT up reply actions

but he walked the bases loaded because he didn’t shave off the flavor saver.

by Brick. on May 21, 2009 12:36 PM EDT up reply actions

Borowski was an ex-Cub, too.

by Stinky McDingus on May 20, 2009 11:36 AM EDT up reply actions

pretty sure he still is.

by Brick. on May 20, 2009 11:48 AM EDT up reply actions

I am anxiously awaiting the rest of the series.

Juan Salas: Smartest man in baseball?

by emd2k3 on May 20, 2009 11:01 AM EDT reply actions

Matt Underwood

Rafeal Betancourt giving up a 2 run homer to Dustin Pedroia on October 21st, 2007

by Toxicadam on May 20, 2009 11:37 AM EDT reply actions

Ketchup.

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Force quit and move to trash.

by vbc3 on May 20, 2009 12:03 PM EDT reply actions

C.J. Bucknor

by fleerdon on May 20, 2009 12:06 PM EDT reply actions

Twitter

by fleerdon on May 20, 2009 12:06 PM EDT reply actions

I am going to say Adams is innocent since he doesn’t travel with the team

by Roger Dorn on May 20, 2009 12:08 PM EDT reply actions

Good point. This should eliminate Slider, too.

"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge..." C. Darwin

by Spidey on May 20, 2009 2:27 PM EDT up reply actions

It could be the Korbel Curse:

“The champagne tastes just as good on the road as it does at home.” – Ryan Garko

by ShawnK on May 20, 2009 12:10 PM EDT reply actions

Alison Spitzer?

Or … dare I say … the Ciabatta did it!

by FallsTribeFan on May 20, 2009 12:11 PM EDT reply actions

I have several nominees:

1) The Marshall Plan
2) Killer Smog
3) Dewey Beats Truman
4) Operation Magic Carpet
5) The South Island Takahe
6) The ouster of president Romulo Betancourt
7) The musical Kiss Me Kate
8) A child-eating pack of Russian wolves.

by NickFantana on May 20, 2009 12:12 PM EDT reply actions

I’m guessing none of these are on the list.

FE WEE

by westbrook on May 20, 2009 12:19 PM EDT up reply actions

I’ll bet Brandini knows what’s wrong with this team.

-Erik

by drerikbrady on May 20, 2009 12:19 PM EDT reply actions

Great idea, Erik. Let’s blame Gregorio Rosario.

by fleerdon on May 20, 2009 12:33 PM EDT up reply actions

Hmmm… Brandini and e5?

"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge..." C. Darwin

by Spidey on May 20, 2009 2:28 PM EDT up reply actions

No, E5 only knew about pissing people off.

-Erik

by drerikbrady on May 20, 2009 2:40 PM EDT up reply actions

Actually, I just got in a discussion with E5 about the Indians on Fear the Sword (Cavs blog) last night. Get this — he told me I don’t know REAL BASEBALL. Seriously. So he hasn’t changed.

by Buckeye Brad on May 20, 2009 6:57 PM EDT up reply actions

I can’t respect anyone who switches team allegiance because they got banned from a sports blog

by Roger Dorn on May 21, 2009 12:05 AM EDT up reply actions

The World Baseball Classic killed the Indians. Again.

Pronk Needs You

by woodsmeister on May 20, 2009 12:37 PM EDT reply actions

If Dr. Kevorkian isn’t on the list, he ought to be. Also, I’m sure Wedge would want you to add Marte.

"Lotta heart in Cleveland." - Ian Hunter

by Denver Tribe Fan on May 20, 2009 12:55 PM EDT reply actions

I nominate the 2009 Maple Street Press Indians Annual.
Grady with the cover jinx, even.

by still ill on May 20, 2009 1:14 PM EDT reply actions

1 team.
128 losses.

by still ill on May 20, 2009 1:15 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs

rec

Well, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

by Jay on May 21, 2009 9:18 AM EDT up reply actions

“Sizemore is ready to lead the Indians to a championship” :(

“Kerry Wood to the rescue in 2009” :(

There is a Santa Claus, and he’s in Detroit on May 2nd

by Clevo's Finest on May 20, 2009 2:29 PM EDT up reply actions

Jay’s week-in-review pieces.

by fleerdon on May 20, 2009 1:24 PM EDT reply actions

New Mood: 0.F

by fleerdon on May 20, 2009 1:24 PM EDT up reply actions

That might be putting it a bit too high

Waiting for Rondon.

by Gradyforpresident on May 20, 2009 2:57 PM EDT up reply actions

New Mood: 0 Kelvin

Pronk Needs You

by woodsmeister on May 20, 2009 4:10 PM EDT up reply actions

It was the salmon mousse.

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Force quit and move to trash.

by vbc3 on May 20, 2009 2:58 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs

Meat hat.

by still ill on May 20, 2009 3:15 PM EDT up reply actions

But I didn’t eat the salmon mousse!

Pronk Needs You

by woodsmeister on May 20, 2009 4:11 PM EDT up reply actions

I think John “did nothing wrong”…….however, my vote goes to the fricking state of Arizona and their slick spring training sites…….

by shenvalee on May 20, 2009 3:12 PM EDT reply actions

Oh man, absolutely. FIRE GOODYEAR.

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Force quit and move to trash.

by vbc3 on May 20, 2009 4:29 PM EDT up reply actions

Is our old friend Sal on the list?

I just wanted to believe.

by mjmarble on May 20, 2009 3:12 PM EDT reply actions

I just had a Dodgers fan tell me how much he likes Casey Blake. I wanted to punch him.

by Cols714 on May 20, 2009 4:12 PM EDT reply actions

The fan or Blake?

"It's hard to win when you don't score." Cliff Lee, 9/28/05.

by Harry Doyle on May 20, 2009 6:14 PM EDT up reply actions

We’ve stunk since Game 4 of the 2007 ALCS…oddly enough my last trip to Cleveland. I should really make my triumphant return soon.

by supermarioelia on May 20, 2009 5:37 PM EDT reply actions

Spring training move

The Winter Haven curse.

by SpringTrainingFun on May 20, 2009 5:40 PM EDT reply actions

I blame Obama.

Too political?

by Buckeye Brad on May 20, 2009 6:58 PM EDT reply actions

There is nobody to blame. There is no suspect or anything. The Cleveland Indians did this to himself, ala Fight Club scene outside the bar, except in this case, there was a gun. It’s a self-inflicted pain for playing baseball.

by jayme on May 20, 2009 9:17 PM EDT reply actions