Dysfunction At The Bat: A Short Play

by afh4 on Jul 1, 2009 4:46 AM EDT Comment 93 comments

[Lights up on interior of baseball clubhouse. PLAYERS are seated in front of lockers, ringing the room. WEDGE stands in middle, visibly shaken.]

WEDGE

I really thought that ball that the Garkster hit was foul! I swear it was foul! Did anybody else see it?

[Silence. PLAYERS are each lost in their own worlds. Finally, SIZEMORE speaks.]

SIZEMORE

I couldn't really tell. But it definitely could've been foul. Or fair. I don't know. Does anyone want to talk about my cars?

WEDGE

Oh, c'mon Gradester! It was foul! Did no one else see this?

[PERALTA is offering advice to a younger player, VALBUENA]

PERALTA

So, what I try to do is do the same thing, every day. No matter what.

VALBUENA

So, for a curveball, a real good curve, what do you?

PERALTA

I try to hit it.

VALBUENA

And with a fastball?

PERALTA

Try to hit it. Same swing.

VALBUENA

And a slider?

PERALTA

Also try to hit it. Just swing the bat the same way and put it in play.

VALBUENA

You swing the bat the same way? This works?

PERALTA

Sometimes. One time it worked for a whole year. I am trying to "run into one." That's what the man shouting all the time wants. For me to "run into one."

VALBUENA

What man? Wedge? He's the manager, Jhonny.

PERALTA

He wants me to "run into one." So I am trying to do that. I do not know who he is.

WEDGE

Datz! Didn't you think it was foul?!?

DATZ

Shoot, Eric. I'm so hopped up on Cookies and Cream Muscle Milk I can't tell which one's the baseball and which one's Jamey Carroll!

CARROLL

What can I do to help the team?

DATZ

S*#! TALKING BASEBALL! EVERYBODY RUN!

[DATZ runs out of room.]

WEDGE

Hey, Franciscoster, I thought you made some real nice plays out there today!

PERALTA

Yeah, I liked when you struck out. Also, when you showed poor range.

[Everyone laughs except for FRANCISCO and WEDGE.]

WEDGE

Jhonny Antonio Peralta! You apologize to the Franciscoster right now!

PERALTA

I am sorry that you suck at baseball.

[Everyone laughs. VALBUENA continues his questioning.]

VALBUENA

What if it's raining? What do you do?

PERALTA

I usually try to go and play unless someone tells me I'm not allowed to.

VALBUENA

What about when it's cold out?

PERALTA

I wear a jersey and I play.

VALBUENA

When it's hot?

PERALTA

Same thing. Wear jersey and play.

VALBUENA

In the offseason? In January?

PERALTA

I come here to the ballpark but usually it is pretty empty. So I stand around the infield for three hours and then I go home.

VALBUENA

What position do you play?

PERALTA

[Grins.] Shortstop!

CHOO

Hey, where did Hafner go?

VICTOR

He had to leave for another 3 weeks. He said they'd let him come back in mid July. He doesn't know why but those are the rules for him now.

SIZEMORE

[Tearing up.] He told me he was out of clean jean shorts and had to go get more!

VICTOR

He didn't want you to be upset.

[SIZEMORE cries.]

WEDGE

What about if we started hitting other team's players? Like on purpose?

[CHRIS PEREZ enters as WEDGE speaks.]

CHRIS PEREZ

Seriously? You want me to do that?

PERALTA

I would not listen to that man. We do not know who he is.

CHRIS PEREZ

I mean, I can do that probably.

GARKO

I know you're a noob and all but I'd be careful what you agree to. I'm supposed to get a start in centerfield next week because I kept being a good soldier.

[Enter LEE. Room becomes hushed.]

WEDGE

Cliffster, we're real sorry about all this.

LEE

I'm going to start losing games on purpose.

WEDGE

What? Cliffster. Get a hold of youself.

LEE

I am going to start losing games on purpose because I hate you.

PERALTA

Yay! Someone else hates that man!

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Comments

There are not many things I love more on this planet than plays involving JP dialogue. Geez, that is funny stuff.

by tabler84 on Jul 1, 2009 5:53 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

the peralta character is absolutely inspired. hysterical.

by gmfrodo on Jul 1, 2009 6:12 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Pure delight!

Can we make this a regular feature? This is way better than discussing how bad we suck.

If you believe it's just a game, you're also probably wondering why Santa keeps skipping your house every year.

by LeftyCatcher on Jul 1, 2009 7:02 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

You know who I’ll miss the most if Wedge is fired? LGT Jeff Datz.

Though I look right at home, I still feel like an exile

by Manhattan Tribe Fan on Jul 1, 2009 8:03 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Ture, unabashed, unrestrained LOL.

You made me spill my coffee.

by gte619n on Jul 1, 2009 8:40 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I wish I could specifically rec the “PERALTA [Grins.] Shortstop!” entry.

You know Selig? Ombudsman.

by rolub on Jul 1, 2009 8:49 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I had the exact same thought.

"Lotta heart in Cleveland." - Ian Hunter

by Denver Tribe Fan on Jul 1, 2009 9:27 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

yeah, I smiled at that.

Proud Fan of the Worst Baseball Team I've Ever Seen

by westbrook on Jul 1, 2009 12:08 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

I’m more of a “wear jersey and play” guy. Don’t know why but I love that.

by jakesinger777 on Jul 1, 2009 12:23 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

I’ll pile on – this was also my favorite line. I see this sly, cheshier yet ugly Jhonny smile.

by joeee on Jul 1, 2009 12:28 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

I never put two and two together before. Wedge is George W. Bush!

by cleveland teamer on Jul 1, 2009 9:16 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I think John Leguizamo could kill as Peralta when this production finally hits the Peekskills.

by shobe on Jul 1, 2009 9:20 AM EDT reply actions 1 recs

I laughed the whole way through, which is about the only time I’ve done that all year related to anything regarding the Tribe this year. Particularly liked Peralta’s advice to Perez: “I would not listen to that man. We do not know who he is.” Truly inspired.

by Tribe Fan Matt on Jul 1, 2009 9:50 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Good stuff. I like Jhonny even more now.

I become an expert simply by doing something.

by fwembt on Jul 1, 2009 10:02 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

But Jhonny hasn’t changed.

He’s the same. Every day.

by jhon on Jul 1, 2009 10:05 AM EDT up reply actions 1 recs

Something about Peralta yelling “Yay, someone else hates that man” makes me smile.

by FallsTribeFan on Jul 1, 2009 10:10 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

That just made my day!

by ToledoTribeFan on Jul 1, 2009 10:13 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Your creativity never ceases to amaze Andrew. Somebody hire this guy and let him write a sitcom. It would even funnier than The Office.

-Erik

by drerikbrady on Jul 1, 2009 10:25 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Although, you could’ve done a comic life with this too.

-Erik

by drerikbrady on Jul 1, 2009 11:54 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Thanks, Erik. Good to see you around these parts.

by afh4 on Jul 1, 2009 12:08 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

I’ve been traveling a ton lately, can’t seem to find a groove. A lot like the Indians.

-Erik

by drerikbrady on Jul 1, 2009 1:42 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

WEDGE
Hey, Franciscoster, I thought you made some real nice plays out there today!

PERALTA
Yeah, I liked when you struck out. Also, when you showed poor range.

[Everyone laughs except for FRANCISCO and WEDGE.]

Legit LOL. Nasty looks from co-workers and everything. Andrew with another stunning triumph.

by mrich on Jul 1, 2009 10:31 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Hmm, thought this was the only weak spot. Peralta showing too much awareness in talking about range.

by tabler84 on Jul 1, 2009 10:32 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Yeah, but, “Franciscoster.”

by fleerdon on Jul 1, 2009 10:32 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

I pronounce it, Francis Coaster.

Well, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

by Jay on Jul 1, 2009 11:06 AM EDT up reply actions 1 recs

The Great Waste of Space Coaster.

Juan Salas: Smartest man in baseball?

by emd2k3 on Jul 1, 2009 11:18 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Yeah, I recognized the continuity disconnect but I liked the rest of it too much.

For the record, I am undecided on how to pronounce Franciscoster.

by afh4 on Jul 1, 2009 11:58 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

I’m sorry that you suck at baseball. :) Love it.

by jakesinger777 on Jul 1, 2009 12:24 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

JP is blunt yet polite.

by afh4 on Jul 1, 2009 12:29 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Do you see this JP character as the same one from the “paralysis” article? Or is it two different visions?

Well, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

by Jay on Jul 1, 2009 2:17 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

It’s definitely the same one who wrote the note from the future to himself. I think he probably is the same as the paralysis JP, though paralysis JP was largely parroting things that his doctor’s had told him, at least as he heard them.

I mean:

“I will be able to play better when I am moving my left arm,” Peralta said.

That’s the same Jhonny, though a younger, more optimistic one.

I think the snide comments towards Franciscoster might also indicate that Peralta is using language as an excuse and in fact has a better grasp about what’s happening than he lets on. He just doesn’t want to deal with everyone’s nonsense all the time.

by afh4 on Jul 1, 2009 2:31 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Very interesting.

Well, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

by Jay on Jul 1, 2009 2:32 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

I think it’s probably fair to say that fanfic JP had a chance to develop into a place of normalcy but his handling by Wedge has disconnected further and further from reality. At this point, he’s like something out of an Oliver Sacks’ book, at least to me.

by afh4 on Jul 1, 2009 2:35 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Why is it that Jhonny is our favorite character?

I mean, he’s like The Beav out there.

Well, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

by Jay on Jul 1, 2009 2:41 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Well, over the last few years I can remember basically a handful of interesting quotes. This latest JP one is definitely at the top of the list, even over that weird Blake-Hafner co-profile that was all about arguing over music during carpool.

by afh4 on Jul 1, 2009 2:48 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

How Hafner didn’t know any Boss songs besides Born in the USA. That was funny.

by Roger Dorn on Jul 1, 2009 2:53 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

In all seriousness… If Jhonny really doesn’t care about his performance, then he’s a jerk. And if he does care deeply and takes all of these criticisms to heart, then I feel sorry for him, because a lot of the grief he’s received is unearned. So as a fan who appreciates the bulk of his contributions, it’s easiest for me to picture him as hard-working but sweetly oblivious. I get to like him, but I don’t have to ignore his faults. Best of both worlds.

by fleerdon on Jul 1, 2009 11:03 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

On the other hand, he’s a multi-millionaire and he plays baseball for a living, so my sympathy only goes so far.

by fleerdon on Jul 1, 2009 11:06 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

God, I almost forgot about note from the future Jhonny. Hilarious.

"Lotta heart in Cleveland." - Ian Hunter

by Denver Tribe Fan on Jul 1, 2009 3:33 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

For those in the dark on these old references … here’s paralysis Jhonny, and this is future Jhonny:

(Full story here.)

Well, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

by Jay on Jul 1, 2009 11:25 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Thanks. I was lost.

Who needs affection when you can have blind hatred?

by ClemsonGirl on Jul 1, 2009 11:42 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Those two are some of the best we’ve seen . Still laughing.

by dgcambridge on Jul 2, 2009 1:12 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Was the paralysis Jhonny in the onion? I might be insane, but I thought I remembered reading it there.

by joeee on Jul 2, 2009 1:23 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

psst. bold blue text is usually a hyperlink.

by Brick. on Jul 2, 2009 1:32 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

I know this, sweet brick. I’m asking: Jay, did this story get sourced anywhere else? I remember reading this but wasn’t on LGT at the time.

by joeee on Jul 2, 2009 5:00 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Then they copied it. Wrote it myself.

Well, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

by Jay on Jul 2, 2009 11:42 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

I must’ve just read it here before I knew what LGT was, and I’m remembering it wrong.

by joeee on Jul 3, 2009 2:00 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

For those interested in reading the Missives from the Future post, I have a suggestion: Stop as soon as you finish Hafner’s.

Trust me.

You know Selig? Ombudsman.

by rolub on Jul 7, 2009 9:14 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

This whole scene works on a different level if Peralta is played as Dwight Schrute.

Well, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

by Jay on Jul 1, 2009 11:16 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Haha, I like that. It fits perfectly.

by Buckeye Brad on Jul 1, 2009 11:18 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

True, but Jhonny doesn’t give a darn, remember?

Juan Salas: Smartest man in baseball?

by emd2k3 on Jul 1, 2009 11:18 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Plain marvellous chap. Brightened up a dull afternoon in the office no end!

I'm not from round 'ere...

by RasenFridge on Jul 1, 2009 10:31 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

lulz wut

by fleerdon on Jul 1, 2009 10:34 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Great call on the Carroll line. Context is everything.

by fleerdon on Jul 1, 2009 3:28 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

CLEVELAND, OH, July 13 /PRNewswire/ ALL FUTURE PERFORMANCES OF DYSFUNCTION AT THE BAT TO BE CANCELLED

Due to disappointing results, the management of Cleveland Indians Theater announced today that all future performances of Dysfunction at the Bat have been cancelled. The show, which debuted at the theater’s venue at 2401 Ontario Street in Cleveland on March 31, 2003, achieved its greatest success in 2007.

Theater management announced that a revised production, featuring most of the original cast, will premiere on July 16, 2009. Refunds for tickets to Dysfunction at the Bat will not be offered, but tickets will be honored for performances of the new production.

by FredOx on Jul 1, 2009 10:54 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

This is just a setback.

Juan Salas: Smartest man in baseball?

by emd2k3 on Jul 1, 2009 11:19 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

This is just a scheduled setback.

Pronk Needs You

by woodsmeister on Jul 1, 2009 11:35 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

This is just a regularly scheduled setback

-Erik

by drerikbrady on Jul 1, 2009 11:37 AM EDT up reply actions 1 recs

And next, a musical entitled “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Playoffs”…

by still ill on Jul 1, 2009 10:56 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Followed by the sequel “The Wedge that would not give up (or go away)”

I just wanted to believe.

by mjmarble on Jul 1, 2009 11:12 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Loosely based upon the book by M. “Night” Shapiro.

I just wanted to believe.

by mjmarble on Jul 1, 2009 11:25 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Waiting for Gregorio

by NickFantana on Jul 1, 2009 11:30 AM EDT up reply actions 2 recs

Something about seeing the stage direction [Sizemore Cries] made me want to cry. Am I wrong?

by joeee on Jul 1, 2009 11:17 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

WEDGE
Jhonny Antonio Peralta! You apologize to the Franciscoster right now!

PERALTA
I am sorry that you suck at baseball.

That’s my favorite part. And:

I am going to start losing games on purpose because I hate you.

PERALTA
Yay! Someone else hates that man!

Hilarious.

Who needs affection when you can have blind hatred?

by ClemsonGirl on Jul 1, 2009 11:42 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

So I didn’t hit preview. Clearly a mistake. I don’t know how that didn’t work.

Who needs affection when you can have blind hatred?

by ClemsonGirl on Jul 1, 2009 11:43 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

we think alike, apparently.

Proud Fan of the Worst Baseball Team I've Ever Seen

by westbrook on Jul 1, 2009 12:11 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Nobody writes (non) routine plays like Andrew.

"Lotta heart in Cleveland." - Ian Hunter

by Denver Tribe Fan on Jul 1, 2009 11:43 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Thanks, everybody.

by afh4 on Jul 1, 2009 11:58 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Bravo. Encore, please.

Il faut d'abord durer.

by CU Adam on Jul 1, 2009 12:05 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Awesome! Rec!

My favorites:

Baboo: What can I do to help the team?
Jh: I am sorry that you suck at baseball.
What about if we started hitting other team’s players? Like on purpose? CHRIS PEREZ enters
I am going to start losing games on purpose because I hate you. / Yay! Someone else hates that man!

Proud Fan of the Worst Baseball Team I've Ever Seen

by westbrook on Jul 1, 2009 12:07 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Proud Fan of the Worst Baseball Team I've Ever Seen

by westbrook on Jul 1, 2009 12:12 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs

Another Mac User I see.

Who needs affection when you can have blind hatred?

by ClemsonGirl on Jul 1, 2009 1:08 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

There’s a lot of us here

Trade Cliff.

by Gradyforpresident on Jul 1, 2009 3:40 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Hilarious work.

Trade Cliff.

by Gradyforpresident on Jul 1, 2009 12:13 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

PERALTA
Sometimes. One time it worked for a whole year. I am trying to “run into one.” That’s what the man shouting all the time wants. For me to “run into one.”

This may be effective..but I think Jhonny should just get hit by pitches to get on base…

Clone Grady 25 times and we will win the World Serious in 2040

by biscuitsandgrady on Jul 1, 2009 12:29 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Awesome. I think I just wet my pants.

by Ramirez on Jul 1, 2009 1:02 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Congratulations?

-Erik

by drerikbrady on Jul 1, 2009 1:43 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Do you wet your pants in bold too?

by Logodaedalus on Jul 1, 2009 2:11 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Is there any other way to do it?

I become an expert simply by doing something.

by fwembt on Jul 1, 2009 9:14 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Huzzah! Can we e-mail this to Shap? They can act it out on the next corporate retreat, with Andrew “facilitating”.

Mebbe the Jhonny/Valgood pair can be played by ventriloquist and puppet, with JP as the wooden doll: “Every day, I’m the same…”

Excellent stuff, really funny. Kudos.

by mcrose on Jul 1, 2009 1:16 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

No one’s giving any love to the stage direction:

[Enter LEE. Room becomes hushed.]

Though I look right at home, I still feel like an exile

by Manhattan Tribe Fan on Jul 1, 2009 1:26 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

This is the one that made me cover my eyes and snicker:

PERALTA
I would not listen to that man. We do not know who he is.

-Erik

by drerikbrady on Jul 1, 2009 1:45 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

It’s hilarious to think of Jhonny as some sort of garrulous leader crossed between Brick from Anchorman.

by joeee on Jul 1, 2009 2:13 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

That is probably my favorite line. I got a real laugh out of the whole thing overall. Great work Andrew. I’ve been working on a Mamet rewrite dealing with our pitching staff (particularly the bullpen) but after reading this I think I may give it up.

by JimmyAB on Jul 1, 2009 2:35 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Anything involving a Mamet rewrite should be pushed forward with alacrity. I myself have always wanted to somehow insert our players into Arcardia by Stoppard, just for the sheer weirdness of it.

by afh4 on Jul 1, 2009 2:38 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Hah. Yes, that would be quite a strange read. I bet you could fit our ball club right in there, though. Have you ever seen Arcadia performed? It’s one I’ve always wanted to see on stage.

by JimmyAB on Jul 1, 2009 2:50 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Yeah, one of my best friends (if I can brag for a second) is an exceptionally talented and successful stage actor in Chicago, especially for his age, and he was in Arcadia at the Court Theatre down at University of Chicago. He also was just in the first Chicago staging of Stoppard’s new one, Rock and Roll.

Anyway, Arcadia is really interesting live, though it certainly helps to have read it. While he was doing it I learned there is this small but dedicated group of people who literally travel around and see the play all over the country. It has this odd following, though I guess that’s logical considering how much more “important” it is than other Stoppard.

by afh4 on Jul 1, 2009 2:53 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

“… concerning the relationship between past and present and between order and disorder and the certainty of knowledge. "

The above from a description of Arcadia from Wikipedia; It would make a good sub text next to the LGT! header.

by JimmyAB on Jul 1, 2009 3:57 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

I are an engineer.

I have no idea what you guys are talking about. It sounds cool though.

by gte619n on Jul 1, 2009 4:42 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

I am running a camp for high schoolers interested in engineering right now.

by afh4 on Jul 1, 2009 4:44 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Arcadia is probably the play I most enjoyed reading. I saw a fantastic production of it at Western Michigan University a number of years ago…outstanding.

by APV on Jul 2, 2009 2:48 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs