The Mighty Indians

Let it be known, every line from this came from an episode of “The Mighty Boosh”. There is essentially no original content. For anyone who has not seen the show, to say that it is random is putting it mildly.


The Mighty Indians


Come with us now on a journey through time and space, to the world of the Cleveland Indians.


Marte: Hi, I'm Andy Marte, and this crazy character is Eric Wedge.

Wedge: Don't touch me.

Marte: He's such a joker.

Wedge: I'm not joking. Don't ever touch me. Not now, not during the game.

Both: Ah...

Wedge: Don't touch me. Andy, I thought you were dead.

Laporta: I rescued him from the edge of death.

Wedge: Well, what do you want a chocolate fruitcake with beans on it? Get to work.


(Mark Shaprio walks into the room. Rifle in hand, he fires into the air, the players scatter)


Shapiro: Nothing to worry about. I'm sorting things out here.

Hafner: Where are all the players from the team going Mark? Something's wrong here, I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

Shapiro: Shut up Travis, you're out of your depth. 


(to Wedge) The old men that sponsor the team are coming by today, and if they see the team knocking on death's door, they aren't going to pay me bo-diddly.

Wedge: So, what do you want me to do about it?

Shapiro: I want you to dress as a gorilla. You know, eat a banana, dance around, kick some hay.

Wedge: I'm not doin' that. I'm a man. I've got dignity and poise, I'm not dressing up as a gorilla.

Shapiro: Well, if you don't all the players will go poor and they won't be able to afford toboggans and sausages. Walk and talk with me. I'm your boss man, but I'm also your friend. I'm not your wife, but we have made massively violent love. Did I say that out loud?

Wedge (to Andy): Are you still here?


(Andy drops his head, feeling dejected once again. Suddenly music fills the clubhouse)


Andy: All the things I'll never see.

All the things I'll never be.

All there is that's left for me,

Is here in this eternity

Of Isolation...Isolation.


The cavalcade, the jamboree

Of life I thought was meant for me.

I never dreamed that it would be

Replaced by this eternity

Of Isolation...Isolation


Wedge: Okay, you made your point in song format.


(Andy sullenly shuffles back to the end of the bench. As he nears his designated seat, Andy overhears several conversations)



Wood: What do you think of me?

Marson: I don't rightly know, Sir.

Wood: Make an assessment.

Marson: I suspect you're a right Southern gentleman.

Wood: You got that right mother licker. 

You failed to take into account my mirror balls.



Gimenez: Think of it. Chris Gimenez Colon Player.

Brantley: Colon player?

Gimenez: It has ring to it.

Brantley: I think it has the wrong ring to it.



Choo: Noooooo...who are you? How can I understand you?

Sizemore: I'm Grady Sizemore. The man, the myth, the maverick.


(Grady's arm in a sling, all look concerned as to whether or not he will be able to return to 2006 form)


Skinner: There's only one way to get this boy ready for the game.

Willis: Training montage...

Shelton: with music.


Sizemore: This is a dangerous mission. All I ask is you remember me.

(leaves room)

Wedge:Who was that?


Hafner: I've got a bad feeling about this.


(Having successfully convinced Grady to have season ending surgery and brokered three trades which will be completed at season's end, Shaprio and Dolan sit together in the owner's box. There conversation turns to the team...and money)


Dolan: This is sheer liquid wonderment.

Shapiro: We're going to make a fortune. We could split the profits 50-50.

Dolan: 60-40.

Shapiro: What?

Dolan: Nothing, my pretty.

Shapiro: Flirtini's for everyone.


And so, the moral of the story is, “Never loo...”

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