Being Chris Perez means throwing parties every weekend, the kind of parties that gain word of mouth momentum so fast you can't keep up. You tell one guy you bought a case of Honey Brown and all the sudden somebody you don't even know is asking you where your indoor 'shroom garden is. But, whatever, dude. You're chill. You'll show him where your indoor 'shroom garden is. He seems like an alright hombre.
Being Russell Branyan means walking into the locker room the first time and legitimately thinking the first base coach is going to be the number seven hitter. It means having the boys over for a beer, explaining to everyone how this lineup is going to rake, just like it used to and, about halfway through your little speech, you have to end the pow-wow early because you realize that Marson kid is crying again.
Being Grady Sizemore means finally being a senior and thus being eligible to win prom king and then deciding you've always really wanted to wear Tevas and quit the football team.
Being Justin Masterson means everyone thinking you love Bob Marley but you don't, not at all. You like Jars of Clay and you hate your stupid arm slot you hate it, hate it, hate it! Why did you make me like this, Dad?!? Why did you you do this to me, GOD?!?
Being Jhonny Peralta means disappointing everyone around you while remaining oblivious. Mom, I know you and Dad took out a ton of loans to send me to Yale. But, I just love free climbing, ya know? When I'm out there on an exposed cliff, I don't think about my economics degree at all! No, seriously! I haven't thought about that degree in years. All I ever think about anymore is me, the rock and the talc. Oh, also the trip to Thailand I just planned. Ch'yeah. Gonna be off the chain! My blue blazer? I don't know, Mom. I think I bartered it for some Buffalo jerky and a pair of waterproof cargo shorts. What? OH C'MON, MOM! They shed water!
Being Shin-Soo Choo means sitting around, listening to that new Beach House album, reading David Foster Wallace and smoking Clove cigarettes. You never wanted any of this. It was just too easy to not keep doing it. You should've given that Marson kid your old copy of Kierkegaard. He's crying again.
Being Aaron Laffey means disrespect. Nobody cares that you get pretty good grades in non-Honors classes. I mean, c'mon, even that guy Rafael gets a good grade everyone once in a while in Pre-Calc. Oh, what, you petitioned for them to move you up to Honors classes and they refused? Whatever, dude. Do I want to go bowling Saturday? No, Aaron, I don't. I'm going to Chris Perez's party. There's supposed to be two kegs and a bowl of 'ludes.
Being Mitch Talbot means never having to say you're sorry. Hey, girl, look, I realize we had a brief but intense fling and, yet, after spending 8 consecutive nights together I took you to a Dairy Queen, bought you a milkshake and told you we were over because I still loved my ex-girlfriend. What? You want me to apologize? Can't do it girl. I throw stirkes-1, 2, 3. Should've swung the bat, pretty lady. What do I mean by swing the bat? Miss Gorgeous-face, if you don't know that, you might as well call Wade Davis.
Being Travis Hafner means having to remember what it used to feel like. And that must suck.