So, it's been a while. I couldn't even remember what the last thing I'd written was. I've been working a contract job in California for the past month and also trying to prepare for graduate school and, on top of this, went computerless for about three weeks. Not that anyone particularly noticed or that the quality of the site suffered (Ryan, you are incredible) but just wanted to briefly apologize as I ease myself back into the flow. So, sorry.
And, now, all-everything mogul Jay-Z answers questions from Paul Hoynes' mailbag over the past several weeks, for the second time in his life.
Hey, Jay-Z: Will the Tribe hire someone to help Matt LaPorta at first base? --Eric N., Sandusky
Yo, Eric: Naw, usually what they do is they just hand out the gloves and say [redacted] 'em. Alea iacta est, [redacted]s.
Hold up, my assistant is handing me his mother[redacted]ing iPad and he's got video of some cat named Glarko playing outfield for ya'll. Sorry, Eric-yeah, they should hire coaches or some ish.
Hey, Jay-Z: Do you feel that LeBron James leaving Cleveland will create a Cavs spiral similar to Larry Dolan buying the Indians? -- Carol, Barberto
Yo, Carol: [Redacted] LeBron James. What the [redacted] am I supposed to do with this [redacted]y Nets team now? You know what kind of cross-promotional event always fails? "A Special Night At The 40/40 Club with Guests Johan Petro, Ben Uzoh and Brian Zoubek." At least it's failed the first two times I've done it. Brook Lopez won't even come-dude's too busy reading [redacted]ing comic books or something.
I asked a bunch of people on the street where the [redacted] Barberto was and they all said it was the name of a mother[redacted]ing dead horse. New York City says good afternoon, [redacted]heads.
Hey, Jay-Z: With all the problems the Indians had been having with second base until Jayson Nix came along, I was wondering what happened to Josh Barfield and if the Tribe ever though about giving him a second chance to see what he could do again? --Erich, Westfield, N.J.
Yo, Erich: Naw, not right now. They're too busy trying to find Jason Stanford so they can get a second [redacted]ing look at him in the rotation.
Hey, Jay-Z: I'm surprised you think Jhonny Peralta will be gone. I thought he was considered a "core" player for the team? --John, Ceveland
Yo, John: So, they don't have [redacted]ing cable in Ohio yet? That's what these questions are telling me? Ya'll still get all your information on players from the mailbags of [redacted]-[redacted] beat writers? And they don't print [redacted]ing box scores or anything?
Or, alternately, you [redacted]ing watch Jhonny Peralta and thing, "That dude is a player to build around." So, you one of those dudes who thinks Nick Punto is a prototypical third basemen?
Hey, Jay-Z: I get why the Indians had to trade Cliff Lee and CC Sabathia. I don't get why they had to trade Carl Pavano, who didn't make that much money and who would have really strengthened the starting rotation. --James, Oak Park, Ill.
Yo, James: When you got mother[redacted]ing fans complaining about Carl Pavano walking, you know your team is all kinds of [redacted]ed-up. [Redacted], man. [Redacted] is getting me depressed-oh, [redacted]. What up Beyonce? Yeah, I got a second.
Oh, yeah, answering your question. Money. How many more [redacted]ing times am I going to have to explain this? Paper talks loud and we print that ish in the City. What ya'll make in Cleveland? I mean besides that sweet Cleveland Clinic helicopter-that ish isn't just a mobile emergency room, it's [redacted]ing more like an airborne Cleveland Clinic! Hamilton, you my boy-I'm gonna get you on my next album.
Hey, Jay-Z: Why will the Dolans not sell the Indians to somebody who will keep the players that become stars and bring in new players? Imagine all the ex-Indians that were given away over the past 10 years and look at the All-Star lineup we would now have. Will they never sell? Or are the Indians nothing more than a write-off? Can they ever be forced to sell? --Skip, Maple Heights
Yo, Skip: Two-part answer. First part: You want to force the Dolans sell the Indians? Aiight, cool, I'll buy 'em. Going to have to change the name, though, because Brooklyn ain't got ish to do with Indians. Hope you don't mind having to buy a new [redacted]ing hat to wear while you mow the lawn.
Second part: I know a [redacted]-ton of a lot about tax evasion. Skip, I don't know what the [redacted] you do for a living but if you think owning a multi-million dollar sports franchise that fans hate, with [redacted]ing garbage attendance numbers, is a viable way to avoid paying taxes then I'm going to say this about your profession, Skip: you ain't a mother[redacted]ing accountant and you ain't in me, Paul and Larry's tax bracket. If taxes worked the way they do in your head I'd be owning the [redacted]ing Royals and Marlins and Kanye'd buy the MIlwaukee Bucks. He actually thought of that for a [redacted]ing minute-wanted to call them The Kanye West, no city name or plural form.
Hey, Jay-Z: With interleague play in the books for the year, and Cleveland once again playing Pittsburgh, is this something we will see every year as a geographic-rivlary series? I'd certainly hope so, considering Pittsburgh is much more of a natural rival than Cincinnati. --Kevin, Youngstown.
Yo, Kevin: Unless you're using the words "Cleveland", "Pittsburgh" and "Cincinnati" as code words for "New York", "Boston", and "Los Angeles" nobody gives a [redacted] about your mother[redacted]ing question. My assistant is telling me two of those cities are in the same state-my guess as to which two is "[Redacted]" and "Me."
Seriously, how is anybody going to have a "natural" rivalry with the [redacted]ing Pittsburgh Pirates? Like saying my DVD player has a "natural" rivalry with my VHS player, moreso than my Blu-Ray player. Nobody gives a [redacted] about any of 'em-I got me a Roku Box, gratisssss, mother[redacted]s. Good looking out, Worldwide Wes.
Hey, Jay-Z: What moves do you expect Larry and Paul Dolan to make to improve fan confidence and support? --Jack, Cleveland
Yo, Jack: First, they're going to name Jhonny Peralta a "core player" so that John will feel alright again. Then they're going set up an every year rivalry game with the mother[redacted]ing Pittsburgh Pirates because everyone knows that's a huge [redacted]ing gate draw. Finally, they're going to throw a birthday party for you, Jack. They don't know what you look like, though, so make sure you wear a LeBron James jersey and meet them down in front of the Q.
Hey, Jay-Z: We've been hearing a lot about the success of Bryce Stowell and T.J. McFarland in the daily minor-league reports. Do you know what style of pitchers they are? --Casey, Dublin, Ohio
Yo, Casey: Ok, I get it. So this is like a literal mailbag Hoynes gets? Like with envelopes and ish? Big ol' Santa-sack filled with handwritten notes and [redacted]ing perfumed letterhead from Hoynes' biggest fans? Cuz there's no internet in Ohio yet. Aiight, I got it. Cool.
Yo, Hal: Alright, I'm using inductive logic to assume that these cats Jamey, Mark, and Russell play professional sports. However, I can't [redacted]ing confirm that because I've literally never [redacted]ing heard of them. Second, I heard the Indians are going to fill the leadership void by letting Bob Feller into the clubhouse whenever he wants. Figure that dude can demoralize anybody about as well as a dude rocking an alternate spelling of a chick's name.
Hey, Jay-Z: Do you look for the Tribe to trade for Cliff Lee and sign him to prove something to the fans? --Terry, Cleveland
Yo, Terry: Told ya'll, Cash-Money already worked this off. Lee has already agreed to play for my Yanks for the next 10 years at a cost of 827 million dollars with a team option for 2021.
Hey, Jay-Z: Can you give us some information about the scouting department? Are they full-time employees? --Herb, Brentwood, CA
Yo, Herb: Naw, it's a part-time gig. My nephew does it in the summer when he's got a day off from Best Buy.
What the [redacted], people?