The Indians' Incompatible...wait? Seriously?
by afh4 on Jul 23, 2010 5:04 PM EDT
in Humor
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With apologies to David Ives and high schoolers competing in duo interpretation forensics competitions all over the country.
Fangraphs is still pumping out the hits but the content of the article is of no interest to me. It's that headline:
THE INDIANS' INCOMPATIBLE PITCHING AND DEFENSE
Let's leave aside the seemingly obvious fact that when a team is terrible all the pieces aren't going to fit together properly. I'm more interested in the word choice: incompatible. An adjective that has come to almost exclusively describe romantic or, rather, less than romantic couples. Our pitching and defense, well, they don't click. There's not much of a spark. They wouldn't have a great first date.
SHORT SCENES IN A COFFEE SHOP
MASTERSON
Oh, I'm sorry-I seemed to have dropped my-
MARSON
What did you say?
MASTERSON
Oh, I was just saying, I dropped my pen over there. Next to you.
MARSON
Oh, sure.
[MARSON hands pen to MASTERSON. MASTERSON throws pen past MARSON into corner of room.]
MASTERSON
Oh, I'm sorry-I seemed to have dropped my-
MARSON
I'm screwed aren't I?
[MASTERSON throws danish past MARSON into corner of room.]
MARSON
Yep. Totally screwed.
***
TALBOT
Is this seat taken?
DONALD
[DONALD turns head toward TALBOT. Snuffling, significantly.]
NO!
TALBOT
My god! What is on you?!
DONALD
FTHWAHT?
TALBOT
Your face! Your shirt! They're covered in, in filth!
DONALD
[DONALD lisps significantly. French is imperfect.]
TOOLSSS OF THE TRADE, MONSSSIEUR!
TALBOT
What? What does that mean?
DONALD
DONALD IS A DIRTBAG!
TALBOT
I take it your Donald?
DONALD
DONALD IS DONALD!
TALBOT
I think I'll sit somewhere else.
DONALD
DONALD DRINK PINETAR!
***
LUIS
Hi! I am Luis!
AARON
[AARON speaks extremely slowly, like a record played on too low of a setting.]
Hhhheeeelllloooo. IIII aaaammmm Aaaarrrroooonnnn.
LUIS
Why do you talk like that?
AARON
Nnnnoooonnnneeee kkkknnnnoooowwwwssss. Jjjjuuuusssstttt hhhhaaaappppeeeennnneeeeddddd oooonnnneeee ddddaaaayyyy.
LUIS
Oh. I'm supposed to be in Columbus. Bye!
[LUIS runs from table.]
***
FAUSTO
This is going so well!
ASDRUBAL
I know! We are, like, perfect for each other!
FAUSTO
Yeah, we totally love all the same things but in complementary ways!
ASDRUBAL
You love Oreos!
FAUSTO
I love cream!
ASDRUBAL
I love cats!
FAUSTO
And I love cat-sitting!
ASDRUBAL
And we both miss Victor!
FAUSTO
I know! I miss Victor so badly!
[ASDRUBAL collapses.]
FAUSTO
What's wrong?!
ASDRUBAL
I am broken! Our budding relationship is aborted!
[FAUSTO weeps.]
***
PERALTA
There's something about you that I like.
WESTBROOK
Is it that we've known each other for seven years?
PERALTA
Your beard. It's your beard.
[PERALTA drains remainder of beer, sets empty bottle on table.]
WESTBROOK
I've always had this beard.
PERALTA
It's good to see you again, Casey. Sorry you lost the job at third but, I think we can both agree, the better man won.
[PERALTA tips cowboy hat he is wearing and walks towards door.]
WESTBROOK
Wait! Where did you get that beer your drinking in this coffee shop?
[PERALTA turns.]
PERALTA
At a little spot I know between second and third.
WESTBROOK
You mean shortstop?
[PERALTA grins.]
PERALTA
Yep. Used to hang out there before I took your job, Mr. Blake.
[PERALTA tips hat again, exits.]
***
WOOD
I don't give a flying [redacted] about throwing strikes.
BRANYAN
I don't give a GD [redacted] about fielding grounders.
WOOD
Alright, then.
BRANYAN
Alright.
[WOOD and BRANYAN sip espressos, each keeping one hand on his holstered gun.]
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Violent laughter. I mean, painful. Unreal.
Impossible to pick a favorite, but I think I laughed loudest at “cat-sitting” and “drink pine tar.”
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