From a distance, Russell Branyan says Cleveland's Youth Movement is "sad"
by afh4 on Aug 2, 2010 10:56 AM EDT
in Humor
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PrintWhen Russell Branyan's phone started vibrating Saturday morning he knew it could only mean one thing: they were breaking up the Indians. Branyan, who appeared in 52 games for the Tribe earlier this season and another 240 in the early aughts, said the first text message came from Austin Kearns.
"Austin texted me and it said 'Going to the Yanks!!!' and I could tell he was really excited. I tried not to harsh his buzz but all I could think was, man, this is sad. Austy Kearnsy? Not an Indian? That feels weird, for that to, you know, be the reality."
Things only got more surreal throughout the day. The text messages kept coming and the list of players leaving Cleveland just became more difficult for Branyan to believe. He seemed truly affected as he recounted the day's events through bites of a sundried tomato, pesto and turkey sandwich.
"I mean, I think the toughest one for me was Kerry Wood. Westbrook and Peralta, we expected that-those guys actually seemed to have some value, you know-like, they knew how to play baseball pretty well. Other teams wanted them. But me, Austy, Kerrsy-we were what we thought Cleveland was all about: players that most other teams wouldn't have taken for free before the season."
The slugging first basemen, speaking from his swank Seattle apartment (he calls it "the launching pad", with a chuckle) didn't hold back when asked about why he, Kearns, Westbrook, and all the rest were no longer Indians. "They traded us. I mean-this wasn't our choice. I think some of the guys would've chosen to leave if they were allowed to decide, sure. Kearnser was pretty pumped about contending, so was Jakers, Peralty, all the guys. Not me, though-I think it's just sad to break up a group of guys like that. A bunch of ballplayers that have known each other for a couple of months and, in some cases, for even longer? To just send them wherever?"
And if the trigger hadn't been pulled on all these small, most likely inconsequential trades?
"I was with the M's last year and Cleveland reminded me of that same situation. I think we could've won 80, 85 games. I guess that's not what they wanted, though, huh?"
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Geez, how many pet names can he have for a handful of guys?
Columbus til I die, Columbus til I die. I know I am, I swear I am, Columbus til I die!
"Turner, at midcourt...inside it, at the buzzer, GOT IT!!!!"
We're the Big Ten, who the F@*# are YOU??!?!?!
by Andrew Tolliver on Aug 2, 2010 11:07 AM EDT reply actions
I’m gonna go ahead and guess that Russell Branyan (Bransy?) doesn’t have a front office career waiting for him when he retires.
I mean does this article really catch anybody by surprise? This has been the tribes way of life for the last better part of two decades. Cleveland will always be small market, but that doesn’t mean they can’t contend if they try. It all starts in the front office, Sharpio needs to be canned!!! Every time someone starts to become a star or has one breakout season we dump them for hopefully young talent that will help us contend in 3-5 years, knowing that we can’t afford their talents. And then those young stars become the stars and we ship them off too. It is a vicious cycle that will never end in Cleveland. It just hurts me to watch it year in year out.
Google “satire” my friend
Len Barker Perfect Game Attendee
by PortlandVinny on Aug 2, 2010 12:27 PM EDT up reply actions
Nonetheless it is funny, but year after year it really gets old to see the talent go to the yanks or any other team.
by Zach from OKC on Aug 2, 2010 12:32 PM EDT up reply actions
Does it really hurt to see “talent” like Kearns and Wood go to the Yankees? Not for me.
DBN Grammar Police. Watch you're language.
by Buckeye Brad on Aug 2, 2010 2:57 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Well, as George S. Kaufman said, in defining satire, “It’s what closes on Saturday night.” Perhaps you need to make the humor label bigger, or add to the nicknames. Shappy, Valbuenas-Dias, Mannyackety-yackety, And when Westy (not the General) told Crowesfeet that he needed to go and Duncan-his-donuts, everybody was in a Huff, except for Gee Whiz Gimenez.
by just a bit outside on Aug 2, 2010 5:22 PM EDT reply actions
I won’t even compare this to Jay’s seminal Jhonny piece, but I will say this: you guys, Humpsy especially, should explore this format more often. This is hilarious.
Though I look right at home, I still feel like an exile
by Manhattan Tribe Fan on Aug 2, 2010 7:10 PM EDT reply actions
When Kim Jones was asked if the new additions to the Yankees had any nicknames and she said one of them is “Kearnsy” I got a little angry. (partially subdued by Lance berkman being called “Fat Elvis”)
Kearnsy is not a nickname, it’s just a y added to the end of his name.
In the new Geico commercial, Marte sings "Let me be myself" on Wedge's front lawn (with the cavemen).
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