Who's On Third?

 

[Lights up on baseball field. SHAPIRO and ANTONETTI are at middle of field. Both wear hats and double-breasted suits, and are smoking cigars.]

ANTONETTI
Well, Shapiro, I'm taking over from you. You know, you gave me the GM job and I'll keep it as long as you're in the front office! 

SHAPIRO
Look, Antonetti. If you're going to run the team, you must know all the players.

ANTONETTI
I certainly do. 

SHAPIRO
Ok, well I've been out on vacation for a while, so you're going to have to tell me. 

ANTONETTI
Well, let's see, we have on the bags, LaPorta's on first and then, then Cabrera's at short...

SHAPIRO
Ok, now what about the other fellows on the bags?

ANTONETTI
I have no [redacted]ing clue who's at third. 

SHAPIRO
Who's on third? 

ANTONETTI
I have no [redacted]ing clue who. 

SHAPIRO
Now, see here, that's what I want to know! 

ANTONETTI
And I'm telling you, I have no [redacted]ing clue who's on third! 

SHAPIRO
Look, are you the General Manager? 

ANTONETTI
Sure I am!

SHAPIRO
Then don't you think you should know all the fellows' names and what positions they're going to play?

ANTONETTI
Well, I should.
 
SHAPIRO
And you've got no [redacted]ing clue who's on third?

ANTONETTI
That's exactly right. 

SHAPIRO
How are you going to run this team with no [redacted]ing clue who's on third? 

ANTONETTI
That's exactly how I'm running it! Same way you would! With no [redacted]ing clue who's on third! 

SHAPIRO
Well, then who's going to actually go out there during a game and do third base stuff? 

ANTONETTI
I have no [redacted]ing clue who!

SHAPIRO
Alright, what about second base? 

ANTONETTI
Oh, [redacted] it don't get me started on second. 

SHAPIRO
Why not? 

ANTONETTI
Because I have no [redacted]ing clue who will play second! 

SHAPIRO
H-o-o-o-l-d on a second! I thought you said you have no [redacted]ing clue who's playing third! 

ANTONETTI
I've got no [redacted]ing clue who's playing both second and third!

[Pause.]

SHAPIRO
Now, how can the fellow do that? How big a glove has he got? 

ANTONETTI
He's got no glove! I've got no [redacted]ing clue who to give the glove to! 

SHAPIRO
Well, you just give it to the fellow. 

ANTONETTI
Which fellow? 

SHAPIRO
I have no [redacted]ing clue who. 

ANTONETTI
How can I give it to a fellow who's not here!

SHAPIRO
Well, where is he?

ANTONETTI
I've got no [redacted]ing idea where he's at!

SHAPIRO
Well, then give it to him and have him pass it on.

ANTONETTI
Give it to who? Where?

SHAPIRO
I've got no [redacted]ing idea where.

ANTONETTI
What?

SHAPIRO
Now, look, don't get sly on me. Just take the glove to I've got no [redacted]ing idea where and ask him pass it on to I've got no [redacted]ing clue who. You said you had them in the same place!

ANTONETTI
Had who in what same place?

SHAPIRO
I've got no [redacted]ing idea who and I've got no [redacted]ing clue where!

ANTONETTI
That makes two of us.

SHAPIRO
Look, I don't think you should have no [redacted]ing clue who's playing both second and third. You'll find a second basemen in I have no [redacted]ing idea where, I think. 

ANTONETTI
That's about right!

SHAPIRO
Good! We agree!

ANTONETTI
I've got no [redacted]ing idea who's playing second because there's too many of them!

SHAPIRO
Too many of who? 

ANTONETTI
Second basemen! 

SHAPIRO
Hey now, we've got a second basemen-I've got no [redacted]ing idea where! We can't take the fellows job away! 

ANTONETTI
What fellow? I've got no [redacted]ing idea where there's a fellow to win the job out of the whole lot of them! 

SHAPIRO
Now, that's right! He's exactly that kind of fellow! We've already decided on it after all. With this infield, I've got no [redacted]ing idea where and I've got no [redacted]ing clue who will give us solid defense at second and third! 

ANTONETTI
No kidding! 

[Long pause]

SHAPIRO
I'm sorry I made us dress up like this.

[ANTONETTI chokes back tears.]

SHAPIRO
I'm sorry about the team. 

[ANTONETTI weeps.]

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