Antonetti speaks! (contest)

I’m Chris Antonetti, ladies, and I'm here to save this team. Believe me when I say I’ve done all I could do for these losers so far. Oh, I’ve tried everything. I cajoled some big hits out of Orlando Cabrera. I picked Travis Buck off the scrap heap and proved that there was a 78 OPS+ lurking inside that kid. I took a middling relief prospect named Vinnie and taught him an ancient Antonetti family secret – how to hide a fastball. I punched Larry Dolan over and over until one last nickel crawled out of his 80-year-old pocket, and then I used that nickel to sign an eight-year-old Dominican boy who can take a walk. I traded my left kidney to put a voodoo curse on Adam Dunn, and I got the witch doctor to throw in a couple months of decent production from Jack Hanahan, because I’m that damn good.

Then, just when the other GMs thought they had me figured out, I signed Austin Kearns again.

BAM!

I scraped and I burnt and I bled to forge this team. And as for the bad players, I inherited them from my jerk boss. 

At the start, it worked out great, but my golden touch could only get these bums through May. Grady Sizemore is a golem held together by bits of pine sap, and I hate him. I don’t know how they performed hernia surgery on him, since his insides are just twigs and balls of fluff. Alex White made me look good for a week, and then went all Adam Miller on us. Matt Laporta can’t tie his shoes. Trevor Crowe keeps coming by and talking about his pet fish. Did you see today’s game? In the seventh inning, Diamondview literally started doodling penises. And it’s not like I haven’t tried things! I mean, I once spent three full hours just screaming at Fausto because, well, goddammit Fausto.

       Goddammit, Fausto.

So here we are, the trade deadline approaching and my fading team is still in striking distance. Shapiro had it easy when we sucked. He could just pick the best prospect packages every July. I actually have to make hard decisions! But it’s not all bad – can you believe Sandy Alderson called me up yesterday, trying to sell me an expiring All-Star? Hah! Suck it, Richie Rich.

We need a plan of action. Time for the Ant-Man to go to work.

Me getting ready to fleece Ed Wade.

Step 1: Call up Kipnis

Done. Boom. Game winning hit. I rock at this.

Step 2: All team personnel must join Google+

That Twitter thing was sheer genius. We’re gonna do this as soon as my main man Billy Beane sends me an invite.

Step 3: Alex White is a starting pitcher

That’s right, smartypants. You know what? We’re not bringing him back until our doctors say he’s healthy, and if he’s healthy, he’s a starting pitcher. The guy threw 150 innings last year and only 65 this year, so it’s not like we’ve got to limit him. But if we pitch him out of the pen this year, we are going to have to limit his innings next year. And hey, we’ve got four guys waiting in Columbus who can come in for one inning at a time and do just fine. You know who we’ve got down there that can start for us? Nobody, cause the guys in our rotation get injured faster than we can promote them. Columbus had to start Lou Seal last week because we called up all their pitchers for a doubleheader. So White is a starter, and he's probably as good as Aaron Harang out of Petco. If he blows out his elbow, well shoot, he was probably going to do that anyway.

Step 4: Eliminate the competition

Last week, we designated Jared Goedert for assignment. I’m not going to say what the assignment is, but let’s just say it involves Miguel Cabrera, Justin Verlander, and a blowgun.

Jared has been practicing. And growing his beard.

Step 5: Eliminate Amy Hafner

She probably wasn’t really the problem, but what the heck, we already bought the blowgun.

Step 6: Make some trades!

When Alderson called me, I offered him Jeanmar Gomez and Cord Phelps for Beltran. When he asked for Drew Pomeranz, I spit on my phone in disgust and hung it up. But I think I’ll call him back and ask for Angel Pagan, cause that dude is better than he looks. For his career, he’s a 99 OPS+ hitter with good speed and above-average fielding. This year, his batted ball profiles are exactly the same as the last two years, when he OPS+ed 122 and 107, but the dude’s getting screwed by a .245 BABIP. He’s relatively cheap, and he’s under control through next year. But Alderson’s no dummy, so I might have a tough time selling him on a buy-low offer of Zach McAllister and Bryan Price or Rob Bryson. We’ll give it a shot.

Speaking of dummies, Dayton Moore. Look, I’d love to trade for Melky Cabrera. That guy would fit us just fine. But Moore is a moron. He loves big, toolsy runway models who swing at everything, and we don’t have a lot of those in the minors. If I had four Jeff Francoeurs, he’d give me his whole farm system. Instead, he just called Zach McAllister "marshmallowey."

So if Alderson turns down the Pagan deal, that leaves, well, shoot, Reed Johnson. Look, I’m not thrilled either, but let’s face it, if we trade one of our top prospects, we’ve got nothing the next few years. And as proud as I am of my Chad Durbin acquisition, I don’t think this team is the one I’m gonna bet our farm on. Reed Johnson may be just like Austin Kearns was last year – a middling hitter having a good year he couldn’t sustain – but you know what? Kearns only cost the Yankees Zach McAllister. And hey, maybe we can get our guy for McAllister, too.

And that’s it. With me in charge, we’re going to be good for years to come, and we’re not going to sacrifice that just so some idiot fans can have a couple extra weeks of false hope. We’re going to see what our boys have this year and hope for the best, and then win it all next year.

By the way, you want a preview of what I’m gonna do in the offseason?

FOOLED 'EM AGAIN!