[Lights up on ANTONETTI and TOWERS in paired offices, thousands of miles apart.]

ANTONETTI

Hey, is this Kevin? Kevin Towers?

TOWERS

Yes, this is he. Who's calling?

ANTONETTI

Chris Antonetti. The Indians General Manager?

TOWERS

The what?

ANTONETTI

Umm, the General Manager? Of the Cleveland Indians?

TOWERS
That second part - what is that?

ANTONETTI

It's a team. A baseball team?

TOWERS

Where'd you get this number?

ANTONETTI

In that binder they give us at the winter meetings - the contacts list binder?

TOWERS

You were at the winter meetings? Did I meet you at the job fair? Did you steal one of those binders?

ANTONETTI

No, I'm a GM. Of the Indians? We're in the AL Central?

TOWERS

Wait, you guys play in Municipal Stadium, right?

ANTONETTI

We did, like, 60 years ago.

TOWERS

Ok, yeah. I know who you are. CC Sabathia knows you guys, right?

ANTONETTI

Yeah, I mean, we drafted him -

TOWERS

Ok, yeah, whatever. What do you need?

ANTONETTI

I wanted to try to trade for Justin Upton.

TOWERS

You want to what?

ANTONETTI

Trade for Justin Upton.

TOWERS

With what?

ANTONETTI

Umm, players?

TOWERS

You still got Sabathia?

ANTONETTI

No, but I have this guy Tim Fedrof -

TOWERS

Hold on. Justin is right here. JUSTIN! JUSTIN!

[Muffled.]

TOWERS

I talked to Justin. He doesn't want to go to Cleveland.

ANTONETTI

Wait, why not?

TOWERS

I told him you guys didn't have Sabathia. I may have also made your status as a major league franchise seem doubtful.

ANTONETTI

Why would you do that?

TOWERS

Look he's got a no-trade clause. I can't control him. You sure you don't play in Municipal Stadium? You might have heard it called "The Muni?"

ANTONETTI

No, definitely not. Does Justin Upton seriously not want to come here?

TOWERS

Yeah. He seemed pretty sure; he's got a no trade.

ANTONETTI

Can you ask him again? Don't tell him we're not a real team.

TOWERS

Ok, yeah, that's fair. Hold on, I'll ask him again. JUSTIN! JUSTIN!

[Muffled.]

TOWERS

He's pretty positive.

ANTONETTI

Why would he not want to come to Cleveland? We're in the hunt! We're a good franchise!

TOWERS

Look, he's a no-trade guy. You know how they are.

ANTONETTI

But why? Who no-trade clauses Cleveland?

TOWERS

Well, I told him I wasn't sure if you guys had food postgame. Do you guys have food postgame?

ANTONETTI

Yes, of course!

TOWERS

Where do you put it?

ANTONETTI

In the clubhouse!

TOWERS

At The Muni? So you guys have to drive over?

ANTONETTI

No, we have a new stadium! With clubhouses!

TOWERS

Really? Huh. You're sure this isn't The Muni? Really cold? Big outfield? Lots of empty seats?

ANTONETTI

No, it's called Progressive Park.

TOWERS

Really? What the hell does that mean?

ANTONETTI

Yeah. Can you ask him again?

TOWERS

Ask who?

ANTONETTI

Ask Upton! If he'll come to Cleveland!

TOWERS

Oh, yeah. I'll tell him about the food. JUSTIN! JUSTIN!

[Silence.]

TOWERS

Hold on, I think he's at the copier. JUSTIN! COME HERE!

[Muffled.]

TOWERS

No, sorry, he really doesn't want to come.

ANTONETTI

Why not!?

TOWERS

I told him about the Canadian-American exchange rate.

[Antonetti slams phone down.]