FanPost

How do you solve a problem like Ubaldo?

USA TODAY Sports

He climbs the mound to a groaning sound, his jersey's wrinkles abound
He walks the dog-gone bases full and lets them score four more
And underneath his ballcap he has a big empty gourd
I've even seen him yearning for the bullpen

He's always the losing pitcher but his filthy stuff is real
He's forgotten all he ever knew, including how to deal
I hate to have to say it but I very firmly feel
Ubaldo's not an asset to the Tribesmen
There's naught to say on his behalf, be still
Mister Uh-Oh Ubaldo Jimenez makes me ill

How do you solve a problem like Ubaldo?
How do you restore his long-lost renown?
How do you find the word that means Ubaldo?
A flibbertigibbet, a will o' the wisp, a clown

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him
Many a thing he ought to understand
But how do you make him play and listen to all you say
How do you give a headcase good command?
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Ubaldo?
How do you make him do what you planned?

When I watch him I'm confused, disconcerted and abused
And I never know if he'll pitch worth a damn
Unpredictable as April, he's like your head full of Nyquil
A hitter's darling, then a lion, mostly a lamb

He'll wear out any catcher, drive a pitching coach from his job
Cy Young thrower's schtick is growing old with sighs
He is mental, he is wild, he's an enigma, he's reviled
He's a headache, he's an airbrain, he's unwise

How do you solve a problem like Ubaldo?
How do you find his talent and pin it down?
How do you find the word that means Ubaldo?
A flibbertigibbet, a will o' the wisp, a clown

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make him play and listen to all you say
How do you give a headcase good command?
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Ubaldo?
How do you make him do what you planned?

Editor's Note: For those who don't know, these lyrics go to the song "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" from the musical/film The Sound of Music. Here's the original:


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