Soylent Green is People: 9/6

We all wanted to slap him, Nick. - David Richard-USA TODAY Sports

No chickens were harmed in the production of this piece.

The baseball season, in some ways, is completely analogous to a delicious orange.

And every time we win we peel a section.

Well, no, that's not really where I was going with that. Let's try another tack: the baseball season is like a relationship with a beautiful woman.

It is no wonder that Denise is getting fed up with you.

No, Denise is fed up with my brother.

someone should let him know.

I can't even begin to imagine how he would react if he knew.

That's probably all too accurate. Anyway, maybe a baseball season is like settling in for a long run.

This is a bad comment.

That's not very constructive criticism, if we're honest. Although I guess it would be hard to say that anyone really "settles in" to a long run, since settling implies coming to rest in one spot while running is pretty much the opposite of that.

And sometimes people say they work "full time" when they take breaks to eat lunch and go home on the weekends and stuff! Can you believe how little sense our language makes?

Fair enough. Let's just jump to the green of the week. This one has something for everyone. There's crime drama, there's current events, there's a pun, there's medical humor, and there's a D. Here it is, gang.

What if you have glaucoma?

Shaboom. Any complaints regarding the obvious nepotism in play here can be directed to the management, who will take it out of my stipend if they find due cause to do so. In the meantime, here is the rest of your week in green.

THE PHILLIES HAD ALREADY BURNED AN OPTION?!? WE LOSE THE TRADE

With that kind of eye, I’m surprised you don’t walk more.

It would only be competition of Cleveland actually won something.

So you’re saying he has a chance with Scarlett?

No, it was actually less important than that. It was a call in a football game.

I’m reminded that when it comes to criticizing fans of other teams, we all moved into a big glass house after 10¢ beer night in ’74.

Like what, six whole innings?

I’m not bothered by this as I probably should be, I think because my sense is that either the bats really get going, or it won’t matter who’s pitching.

it depresses me that this is a sentence that can be typed in 2013

What a filthy outing by Salazar. 77 pitches, six shutout innings, no walks, five whiffs in Detroit. Send Bauer the tape.

I’ll take boring over anxiety for $400 Alex.

Shhhh. . . . Agent X thinks the Cold War is raging on. We’d disabuse him of this notion, but he keeps pointing to a picture of Putin he had tatooed on his ankle and saying through clenched teeth, “The bastard seduced my kid sister—and then just threw her away when he was done with her. It breaks my heart to see her now, tending her hamsters, ringing the salvation army bell. The bastard.”

I just watched Mike Aviles ditch a no-doubt grand slam and you’re going to talk to me about “likely”? Playa please.

Well, there it is, gang. I guess everyone but my fans is pretty happy to see another week of this come and go.

You’re too kind. The fans too.

Thanks, Chuck.

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