Put together with the help of former serial commenter Tyler (fleerdon) and assists from Adam (APV) and Jay.

He thought hockey was stupid.

Refused to sign the petition to get Ron Gardenhire on the ballot as a candidate for judge in Hennepin County, citing Gardenhire's complete lack of experience with the law. When teammates told him that Gardenhire, "simply knows right from wrong", he was unmoved.

Could not be bullied into agreeing with Michael Cuddyer's assertion that "The restaurants in Northern Minnesota are as good as anywhere in the world" and "way better than anything in New York."

He was seen cutting a piece of the right field Metrodome Baggie to insulate his attic.

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LeVon Washington was the 55th overall pick in the 2010 draft, and the Indians paid significantly overslot to procure his services. Thus far, Washington has struggled as a player. On the other hand, he's shown himself to be an 80-grade personality and, especially, Twitter-user. All Levon Washington quotes are real.

PASSERBY #1

That man, there in the baseball uniform—is he hurt?

PASSERBY #2

Oh, oh no. He doesn't appear to be breathing. Oh my god.

PASSERBY #1

I'm a doctor but even I am helpless in the face of fate. Hand me your coat so we can cover his face.

LEVON WASHINGTON

YALL GOTTA WAKE ME UP BY STICKING SKITTLES DOWN MY THROAT

[PASSERSBY hang mouths open in shock]

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The Angels commitment of more than $325M to just two players is only the latest reminder of what the Cleveland Indians lack - money. Bill Shaikin, of the LA Times, writes that the Angels' spending spree is built on the back of an anticipated new television deal with Fox Sports that will likely earn the team more than $100M a year in television royalties, far out-stripping the Rangers recent deal expected to earn the team $80M per year. In case you have forgotten, the Indians opening day payroll last year was less than $50M. It is impossible to imagine the Indians competing on a level ground with larger local markets given the disparity in size and value. I only see one solution - and fortunately it is one with several residual benefits - expand into the emerging market of India.

The organization has already named its major league franchise the "Indians" after all. Making a formal connection to India (a place with more than 1.2 billion Indians), seems, given the current circumstances, an obvious way forward. No longer would we, as Indians fan, have to operate under some false pretense that there is a good reason the franchise is called the Indians (of course this would likely be the end of Chief Wahoo, but I'm sure many adequate replacements would be available). But why India?

India's economy, since 2000 (years that have not been kind to Cleveland's economy), has averaged a quarterly GDP growth rate of 7.45%. The total Indian economy surpasses $2 trillion. To say this makes Cleveland look like small samosas is an extreme understatement. Additionally, India, with its emerging middle-class, has a huge satellite television industry. India has more than 35 million official direct-to-home subscribers, a number likely to grow even further in the years ahead. India represents a huge potential market for revenue enhancement for...the Indians.

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CLEVELAND—Manny Acta's Cleveland Indians will spend another night demoralized after blowing their Off Day late on Monday afternoon. "The Off Day started really well," Acta said. "We're just struggling to finish right now—these are good guys, young guys. They need more time to grow to a point where you can expect a successful Off Day. Right now, we hope for one, but soon—soon, you can expect it." 

The Indians were red-hot as dawn broke on Monday, and a successful Off Day seemed inevitable. An anonymous scout had rookie third basemen Lonnie Chisenhall "absolutely housing Multigrain Cheerios—70 grade Cheerio eating", while there were multiple reports from downtown Euclid that Chad Durbin's shirt was fitting really well. Things began to turn sour around lunchtime, when reliever Vinnie Pestano became unnecessarily irritated with a Subway Sandwich Artist™ who neglected to add extra banana peppers to a sandwich Pestano had ordered. Even with Pestano's blowup, the Tribe seemed poised for a win. Lou Marson settled things down by winning a Pop-A-Shot game at a Buffalo Wild Wings across town as several of his teammates looked on and cheered—reports from inside the BW3 were strong on all fronts. One enthusiastic observer insisted that he saw Ryan Garko, "who ate some of the pretty hot wings, but not as many as Shelley Duncan, who ate a ton of really hot wings."  

Before the Off Day could end, though, the Cleveland Police Department received a phone call from a hysterical shouting woman—on the publicly released 9-1-1 tape she can be heard screaming,  "Travis Hafner is eating my baby's stroller! How will we get anywhere? He's eating the wheels!" Forensic analysis of the tape eventually proved that her report had been false, but not before Hafner's reputation was ruined and the Off Day totally lost. The Indains next Off Day will be a week from today, on August 15. Acta said he hoped his team performed better next week.

After the Cleveland Indians failed to garner a single hit in their Wednesday afternoon game, team President Mark Shapiro could tell his first year GM, Chris Antonetti, was going to have a long night. "Chris was just obviously really upset—he stomped around the hallway for a while, and he kept stepping into my office and doing a sort of whole body shrug, followed by a dramatic exhale," Shapiro said. "When he finally walked by my door with his windbreaker and screamed, 'I'm going out!', I just knew this was not going to end well." 

Rudy Tamarindo, a bartender at the Winking Lizard, said that Antonetti came in "around 5:00 pm", and, "just started absolutely raging." Tamarindo reported that Antonetti bought several rounds of drinks for the entire bar. A patron at the Lizard, Tara Ludlum, confirmed Tamarindo's account. "Chris was a really nice, sweet guy—he said all the ladies in the bar were going to be 'no-hit, just like the Indians', because he wasn't going to hit on any of them, on account of his being married, I guess." Ludlum paused before adding, "He kept repeating that and laughing. A lot of people didn't understand what he was saying—it's a really long and confusing thing to keep saying." 

As the night wore on, and Antonetti became more animated and inebriated, "he really started palling around with that Japanese guy," Tamarindo said. "They were really having a great time, shouting and stuff—I thought they knew each other or something." Around 2:30 am, as the bar started to empty out, Ludlum said she saw Antonetti leave with his new friend. 

Thursday morning, Mark Shapiro walked into the Indians facility to try to get a jump on the day's work. "I knew we were going to try to make some acquisitions today, so I wanted to fire up DiamondView, get the lay of the land." Instead he was met by an unusual sight—Antonetti and an unnamed Japanese man, both sleeping on top of a conference room table. "I knew immediately what had happened—Chris brought somebody home from the bar. At first, I thought it was a really bad thing; I mean, Chris is married. But then, looking closer, I saw it was a Japanese guy. Then I thought, 'This is really, really, really bad." When Shapiro was finally able to rouse the two, it became clear that the situation was even more complicated than Shapiro had realized.

"Well, when Chris finally stopped vomiting, he said he didn't have any idea who 'the Asian guy' was. To make things worse, there was a language barrier. So, I got the guy who usually helps Choo, thinking he might be able to help, but I guess Korean and Japanese aren't that similar. We couldn't find anyone else in town, so finally I gave in and called Masahide Kobayashi, whose number I still have. It was awkward for a second, but eventually he was able to sort it all out." 

The man that Antonetti had passed out with on a conference room table, it turned out, was Chicago Cubs outfielder Kosuke Fukudome. Shapiro was baffled. "I made Chris call Jim Hendry right away and explain what happened, thinking Chris should apologize or whatever. Hendry was actually really excited—he immediately said, 'You should keep him!' That wasn't really on our radar but, frankly, we were so embarrassed that we felt compelled to work out a deal." 

Antonetti was terse in describing the acquisition. "We're excited to have Fukudome on the team. We think he's going to be a valuable addition to our outfield."

I think I've finally figured out what month it is...

PULGT

The New Yorker recently reported on new research in the field of quantum computing. The physicist profiled in the piece is a proponent of a marginal theory called Many Worlds, which suggests that increases in computing power of a certain magnitude support the coexistence of an ever-expanding network of parallel universes, which form anew during instances of random atomic chance. The upshot, according to the physicist, is that beyond a certain threshold, computing power must be attributed to collaboration between universes, since no single universe could possibly play host to a force of computation that exceeded the number of atoms in that universe alone. If the theory proves correct, different universes could thus bear the burden of discrete computations.

The most logical follow-up question to this research is whether we are seeing just such a phenomenon with the 2011 Indians; i.e., is this team’s success in whole or in part a consequence of active collaboration between the current roster and rosters in other worlds? Has Asdrubal benefited from hitting tips given by PULGT Brandon Phillips? Josh Tomlin from the clubhouse energy of PULGT Yovani Gallardo (acquired in the 2006 Jason Davis deal that failed to happen)?

Might it even be possible that certain batting lines are in fact direct consequences of pinch-hit appearances or spot-starts by PULGTs invisible to the box score? (This would lend credence to an ancient hypothesis about the existence of "intangibles.") A number of prominent baseball writers, as you know well, have discounted the Indians’ record this season, pointing to intuition and to certain statistical models. Some have even suggested that the Detroit Tigers truthfully lead the AL Central. Perhaps these analysts are windbags, or perhaps they know something we don’t about the basis of the Indian’s success so far. Namely, that it depends on a roster composed not of 40 men but of of 40 men to the 5000th power. Perhaps Keith Law has inside knowledge that somewhere Pythagoras himself – not a calculation merely bearing his name – is a leading skeptic of our rotation’s prospects in the second half.

Thank you, Ryan, for this provocative notion.

by Forever Magallanes on Jun 2, 2011 1:57 AM EDT reply actions   21 recs

If you never comment again, you will stand as the Jamie Quirk of LGT commenters.

by InfiniteMonkeyTypists on Jun 2, 2011 7:38 AM EDT up reply actions   3 recs

The quirks of quarks, and boson’s mates,
Existing in all quantum states;
Now lashed, entwined, intensify
The sting of swings of Wahoo guys,
And Wahoo’s flings toward the plate.

As Wahoo circumnavigates
The AL, which he inundates,
Opponents raise a hue and cry:
"We simply can’t believe our eyes!
Our hurlers fail; our swings are late."

We might require a million Yeats
To declaim what Wahoo creates,
When a germ of Sockalexi
Can infinitely multiply;
I’ll merely say that it’s been great.

by YoDaddyWags on Jun 2, 2011 9:32 AM EDT up reply actions   4 recs

Same here, except instead of mowing the lawn, I was drinking a beer and eating tacos.

by Brick. on Jun 2, 2011 9:28 AM EDT via mobile up reply actions   4 recs

True story A newsroom assistant walked by my desk this morning and saw me on LGT. "Oh, nice," he said. "I’m on Pinstripe Alley."

"You shouldn’t admit to that," I said.

Silence. Finally, "Why not?"

I said nothing. He added, "I’m one of the few smart posters there."

by tabler84 on Jun 1, 2011 8:41 PM EDT reply actions   7 recs

This is totally mitchin’.

by gte619n on May 31, 2011 9:19 PM EDT reply actions   4 recs

Got up at 5.40am to watch, was back in bed at 5.46am!

One day I'll get over to watch the Tribe play

by new zealand tribe fan on May 25, 2011 5:08 PM EDT reply actions   10 recs

Sidenote: Adam Miller promoted to Akron last night.

by mcrose on May 27, 2011 11:57 AM EDT reply actions   8 recs

ESPN: Red Sox player hurts himself falling over a base —> but that would mean a member of the Sox did something wrong —> Cleveland has to be to blame —> The weather is crummy —> Cleveland’s fault.

by supersizeme on May 23, 2011 10:19 PM EDT reply actions   4 recs

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You never know where you'll find green...

Thanks, again, for the recap. You know, I no longer live in the country and, despite having MLB.tv, I rarely get to watch anything but afternoon games, and these recaps are, without fail, the first thing I read about the Tribe every morning. I don’t even go to indians.com or cleveland.com until I’m bored at work hours later. I get the result and an incredibly insightful blow-by-blow from LGT at 7 a.m. and I’m good. My dad often e-mails me, “did you read Hoynes’ article about the game last night?” And the other day I finally had to just tell him, “Dad, I never do.” He responded (I’m not lying) “Then how do you know things like why Joe Smith shouldn’t have stayed in the game to face (the Angels lefty the other day?)” And I just sent him the link to this site.
These recaps are kind of like our parents – we probably don’t tell them we love them enough.
Thanks, guys.

My primitive mind can't grasp these concepts.

by Ockus_NYC on May 11, 2011 2:27 AM EDT reply actions   16 recs

Has LGT become too generous with recs? Look how green this thread is? Why is everyone in such a good mood? Oh yeah, 21-9!

by jakesinger777 on May 6, 2011 1:00 PM EDT reply actions   12 recs

I’m sure there’s a stat correlating wins and number of recs per time period.

by Seattle Tribe Fan on May 6, 2011 1:05 PM EDT up reply actions   5 recs

Rec – and now you have more recs than we have losses. In May!

by LondonTribe on May 6, 2011 5:50 PM EDT up reply actions   7 recs

When you look at the individual statistics for this team, and the results they have produced, it is simply amazing.

After watching teams with players who are single-handedly destroying other teams (a la Miguel Cabrera, Prince Fielder, and others), players who have gotten of to remarkable starts, while their teams have a mediocre, or even below-average record.

This Indians team, through the first 28 games anyway, has been in essence the golden standard of a perfect team. A team, by definition, is greater than the sum of its parts. And no team in the 2011 season has demonstrated this moreso than us.

Not a single batter has more than 5 home runs.. Yet we’ve hit more home runs than 26 other teams.

We don’t have a single player with more than 20 RBI, yet we have scored the 3rd most runs in baseball.

At the start of the season our pitching staff was filled with players that were regarded as no better than #3, or #4 rotational pitchers AT BEST… But given confidence, craftiness, poise, and a sure-handed defense behindn it, we sport the 6th best ERA in the game.

Less than 3% of our runs are unearned. That is a sign of stellar defense.

Our team is loaded with unproven prospects, retreads, and wily-veterans in the twilight of their careers. Yet, for these first 28 games:

We lead the league in wins,
We lead the league in poise,
And we have been the best TEAM in baseball.

by Savage_Buckeye on May 4, 2011 7:13 AM EDT reply actions   9 recs

I wore an onion on my belt, as was the style in those days.

by notthatnoise on May 4, 2011 4:01 PM EDT up reply actions   7 recs

Possibly he took the hint after Carmona nailed him in the balls.

by Jay on May 4, 2011 10:50 AM EDT up reply actions   5 recs

It looks like – for once – we’re all on the same page. We all agree that

1) The Tribe is for real and will contend for a play-off spot
2) The pitching – both starting and relief – is well above league average
3) The Indians offense is more than strong enough to compete with anybody
4) This team just does not give up. This maybe the best part of the whole picture. For the last few years I don’t think that this was true
5) Having a good-to-great manager does make a difference – and I don’t give a hot damn if we doesn’t hit, or field or pitch. Leadership is leadership
6) This is the most fun I’ve had as a Tribe fan since the 90’s. And this year may top that era

Bottom line: something about Tribe surprises me every year. This year’s been the biggest surprise of all and I just luv it – just luv it.

Our best players wear suits.

by mauichuck on May 9, 2011 4:26 PM EDT reply actions   3 recs

I’ve heard what happens in Keith Law’s dungeon, and I don’t want any part of it.

by JulioBernazard on May 6, 2011 10:53 AM EDT up reply actions   8 recs

Orange County Choppers.

by emd2k3 on May 8, 2011 10:19 PM EDT up reply actions   5 recs

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